breathe | r lewandowski

7

The following morning, I awoke earlier than usual. My mind was clear and my chest felt light, nothing weighing me down. I dressed myself, grabbed my training bag and headed down to the lobby area to meet the team for breakfast, which was a change.

I spotted Mario and smiled, walking over to him as he looked up from his phone with a grin. He was probably texting Ann-Kathrin, his girlfriend.

"Hey Robert, you feeling okay?"

I frowned, "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

Mario just chuckled, "You never come down for breakfast. I don't believe you're the real Robert, I bet you're an alien."

And then, I was reminded why I never went to breakfast, lunch or dinner with my team. They told the worst jokes, weren't even remotely funny and quite frankly, I didn't like any of them.

I just nodded at Mario and stared around the lobby. I'd usually get out my phone in a situation like that, but since mine was smashed into one million pieces, I couldn't exactly do that.

"Robert! Robert!"

My head snapped up from the floor when Pep came running across the reception, shouting my name, making everybody turn and stare at me.

"I've been calling you for hours!"

"My phone broke," I said, pursing my lips.

Pep sighed, rolling his eyes. He was incredibly flustered, his cheeks pink and his eyes wide. I was convinced that if he had hair, it would be a mess from him stressfully running his hands through it with every other word he said.

"Jagger woke up,"

I froze for a moment, a feeling of happiness washing over me as I let out a sigh of...relief? I didn't realise I was holding my breath for her.

"She wants to see you, she asked me to call you and-"

"I don't want to see her."

"Robert," Pep narrowed his eyes at me questioningly, not liking my bluntness, "The girl was unconscious and the first person she asked for was you. Can't you just go and talk to her? Reassure her?"

"No."

"Look, kid. I know you're not the most sociable of people in the world but would it kill you to do something nice for someone for once?"

I paused, half heartedly thinking about it for a second. I did feel guilty that she had nobody there physically for her when she woke up, and why on earth she wanted me was ridiculous, because she certainly wouldn't be the first person I'd ask for if I woke up from being unconscious.

The girl didn't even like me, she probably only wanted me there so she could aggressively shout at me for not telling her father what happened over the phone, or for not being with her on the journey to the hospital or for not being there when she woke up and for her being all alone.

But that's not my job. I play football, I don't provide moral support, I can barely support myself half the time and she expects me to do things for her? No, that's now how I worked.

"Would it kill me? Yes, it probably would."

Pep just stared at me. I knew his was disappointed but he knew that there wasn't anything he could say that would change my mind. I wasn't going to see her, she was fine. The doctors said she was in perfect health, she didn't need me, she didn't need Pep, she didn't need anybody apart from the man on he iPhone lockscreen that looked at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the whole world.

My thoughts caught up with me and I abandoned my plans for breakfast, walking out of the hotel and ending up in a restaurant somewhere in the middle of the city. I sat down at a table and the breakfast menu was presented to me by a waitress.

Maybe I should've been more appreciative of Dylan. Maybe I should've told her that she was beautiful more often, or that every time she smiled I'd get that feeling inside of me that I hated because I couldn't control it, or maybe I should've told her that I loved her too.

Every time she told me she loved me, I either said nothing or just kissed her. I could never commit to anything and saying 'I love you' was too much for me to throw around, even if I felt it in my head and my heart for Dylan, I couldn't say it to her. And that, was my one regret.

I left the restaurant after having a meal, wandering further into the city and reaching a department store. I purchased a phone and headed back to the hotel to set everything up. The lobby was empty, thankfully. I was convinced I'd get kicked off the tour if I missed another training session and considering our first match was tomorrow evening, I was sure that I wouldn't be in the starting line up.

Unboxing the phone, I turned it on and synced all my information from my old phone into it, each second that it took began eating me alive. Each second that passed by was a second that I couldn't tell Dylan how I really felt about her. Some days, I felt nothing for her, but now I no longer had her, I felt everything you could feel.

I dialled her number, holding the phone to my ear and sinking my teeth into my lip, my hand gripping the denim of my jeans tightly as I waited for her to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey Dylan, it's me, Robert."

Dylan paused momentarily and I instantly started to regret what I was doing, but I wasn't one to back out once I'd talked myself into something.

"Oh. Hi."

Inhaling deeply, I seized my chance.

"Dylan I love you. I'm in love with you."

I waited. I carried on waiting and I sat with the phone to my ear for what seemed like an eternity, patiently waiting for her to say something, anything. Anything but what she actually said.

"No Robert, you don't love me, and you're most certainly not in love with me."