breathe | r lewandowski

16

Once I got back home, I felt like once again, throwing my phone at a wall so it would smash. Jagger had been calling and texting me for what seemed like every second that she couldn't see me. The alerts were slowly driving me insane and I soon blocked her caller, just for the time being.

I sat on my sofa after putting my medication in the cupboard next to the cups and bowls so I wouldn't forget to take my pills, as surreal as it would feel every time I placed one capsule between my lips because I was depressed.

I felt like I needed a friend. I didn't want Jagger, no, she would just scream at me for ignoring her calls, and Klara would perhaps be too sympathetic, and sympathy was something that I hated. Mostly, anyway.

"Hello?"

I gulped, holding the phone to my ear, still debating whether or not this was a good idea.

"Hey, Mario. Could you come over?"

"Yeah," he sounded baffled by my request, almost laughing at the fact years have surpassed of me practically ignoring his existence and now I was inviting him over to my house, "I'll be over in 10. Is everything ok?"

I sighed. No, everything wasn't ok. Nothing was ok, actually.

"I'll see you in ten, Mario."

I ended the call and headed into the kitchen to make some coffee for the both of us. I grabbed two mugs from the cupboard and saw my pills. You couldn't miss them, they were just there, glaring at you constantly so you'd always be reminded that there was something wrong with you.

Should I start taking them right then? Today? No. I decided to wait until tomorrow, starting the day fresh. I hoped to have a better mindset but in reality I knew my head would be ten times worse that it had been for the past few years, because now I knew what was wrong with me. I wasn't just secluded and isolated, shy and introverted. It was much more than that.

Not long after, Mario knocked on my door. I opened it with a smile - my best fake smile - and let him inside. The whole team knew about my suspension and the reasons why, however only the boys I was, in some shape or form, 'closest' to, such as Thomas, Manuel and Mario, knew that it was Dylan.

"I made you a coffee, milk and one sugar, just how you like it?" I said, more like a question than a statement since I wasn't 100% sure whether it was Thomas that liked sugar or Mario.

"I don't take sugar, actually-"

"Shit, I'm sorry, uh you can have mine, there's just milk in it I-"

"Robert." Mario placed his hand on my shoulder, stopping me from talking. "What's wrong? This isn't you, the Robert I know never makes an effort." Mario chuckled slightly, making me smile. Not even a fake one this time.

I didn't even realise that my hands were shaking until Mario pointed it out. My face fell and I could see the concern in his eyes that I didn't expect from a guy that I'd neglected rather than befriended.

We walked back into the lounge and took a seat on the sofa, Mario by my side, still staring at me intently.

"Is it drugs? Are you taking drugs again? I know you got suspended but that-"

"No Mario it's not drugs, you know what happened with that. It's not drugs."

"Then what is it? Are you ill?"

I laughed, a cold laugh about something that certainly wasn't funny. It was far from funny, actually.

"Kind of. I have depression."

"Robert, mate-"

Mario's tone was so empathetic that it made me want to throw up. I didn't want empathy and I didn't want sympathy. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me and I didn't want people to feel like they had to check up on me constantly.

"Mario I don't want sympathy. I invited you here because...I don't actually know why I invited you here. I guess I just needed to tell somebody and as pathetic as it sounds, you're, I guess, the closest thing I have to a friend here."

Mario smiled at me and for some reason I felt like he cared. He really shouldn't care, because I don't think I've ever said a nice word to the kid, but the way he looked at me made me feel like despite everything, he had always been my friend, even if I wasn't his.

• • •

"Where the hell were you! I've been calling you for hours and you just ignore me? You don't ignore your girlfriend Robert, you don't do that! Do you know what kind of picture that paints?"

I was sat on the sofa, staring blankly at the black screen of the television in front of me, feeling the wrath of Jagger. Yes, she was my girlfriend and yes, I wanted to be with her but at that moment, I wanted her to leave me alone.

I could've predicted every word that came out of her mouth because I've heard it several different times from several different girls Not that I'm proud of that, or anything.

"Are you even listened to me?"

"Are you even listening to me?" I retorted, rising to my feet in anger, "Have you been listening to me for the past few months? Have you heard me crying out for help? Have you heard me falling apart because I can't cope anymore?"

"What? What are you talking about?" She spoke, her tone patronising me deeply.

"No, you haven't. That's because I haven't said a word because there are far more important things that what I've been going through and there are certainly more important things than me missing your fucking calls, alright Jagger?"

She froze, her dark eyes widening as she possible tried to track back in her mind to try and pick up on anything I'd just said. Her mind was racing to find clues, hints, anything so she wouldn't look so stupid, so unaware of everything that had subconsciously been going on around her for months.

"You want to know where I was when you kept calling me?" She nodded feebly, "For five calls I was at the doctor and for the other nine I was driving home."

"Why were you at the doctor?" Her voice was soft, she sounded childlike, perhaps even a little scared. And I was glad that I'd instilled some fear into her because sometimes this girl that I felt more than just lust towards could be selfish and self centred, and she needed to be brought back down to earth and realise that she wasn't the only person on the planet.

"I was at the doctor because I'm depressed. I'm sick in the head, sick in the bones and sick in the heart. I'm a dead weight, and all I'm going to do is drag you down."