breathe | r lewandowski

10

I stood on the driveway of my home, leant against a tree as the breeze cooled my skin instantly. I was supposed to be at the therapist in half an hour, but I wasn't sure if I was going to go or not.

Part of me knew that I should, what harm could it do? But part of me constantly questioned myself. There wasn't anything wrong with me, I just over reacted a little and yes - maybe I was stressed out and tired of not knowing where I stood with people but I wasn't ill.

I didn't need some middle aged man to write everything that I said down, and then for him to come to some irrational conclusion and diagnose me with something that'll just stress me out even more. I didn't need it. I didn't need help, I needed stability. And the only way I could get stability was to concentrate on myself. Just me.

"Robert, you're meant to be at therapy, what the hell are you doing?"

"Jagger?"

I couldn't quite believe my eyes when I saw her slam the door to her car and come storming up my driveway with a face like thunder.

"Why aren't you there?"

"Why aren't you in China?"

Jagger rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest, exhaling deeply in annoyance at me avoiding her question.

"If you must know, I came back to see you."

I knitted my eyebrows together, confused at why on earth Jagger would leave tour to come back to Germany just to see me. Pep must have sent her, he was constantly calling to check up on me but maybe my voice wasn't enough to settle his worries.

"Why?"

She looked like she didn't want to answer. Pausing for a moment she sunk her teeth into her lip and glanced around her, looking for anybody else that could catch ear of our conversation. Luckily for her, there was nobody else around.

"Because I felt bad, alright? I never said thank you for helping me and I never said sorry for making you so angry and confused and maybe if I'd have been more open with you then you wouldn't have got sent home from tour."

"Jagger, what the fuck are you talking about?"

So she apologised, great. She didn't have to fly home and do some dramatic speech just to apologise, she could've said it over the phone and I would have accepted it without giving anything a second thought.

"I realised that the tension between us was because we never spoke about how we felt and that was a mistake because you-"

"Tension? What tension? You're making no sense."

"You know?" Jagger started, narrowing her eyes as if it was obvious, "How we feel when we're around each other, how things change when you look at me and the way you talk to me differently, like a real conversation rather than ignoring me like you do everybody else. I should've told you sooner how I've started to feel, maybe we could've saved us."

I was taken a back, speechless even. What she was proposing was headline news to me, I didn't understand what she meant she described all these little things I apparently only did to her, nobody else.

"Jagger, no...this isn't me. I was just being nice because you're new around here, nobody else cares if I ignore them because they know how I am. If you wanted me to be more open, then I will be."

Jagger swallowed, her eyes glossing over with what I thought were tears as she bit her bottom lip again. I could tell that she was holding down the lump in her throat, but I didn't know why.

"Go on then."

I sighed loudly, running a hand through my hair.

"I'm an extremely pessimistic, introverted guy who is still hung up on his ex girlfriend that left me because I didn't give her what she wanted. I'm not a good person, people don't like being around me and all I do is push people away without realising it and then I end up getting hurt, and so does everybody else. So listen to me when I say that whatever you feel for me - let it go. I'm not good for you, Jagger, and I'm sorry to tell you that I don't feel the same towards you when my heart still aches for somebody else, and yours should too."

Jagger just nodded. She licked her lips and just stared me in the eye. She looked so sad, hurt and broken. It almost got to me, something inside of me felt empathy for the poor girl that saw something in such an empty human like myself. I hurt her, I hurt Dylan and I'll hurt any girl that'll ever come within ten feet of me, because that's just who I am.

"I'm sorry I bothered you."

She turned and walked down my driveway, her hands pulling on the roots of her hair as she walked towards her car.

"Jagger wait!" I called out, instantly regretting it when she turned back around and looked at me with tears streaming down her face, leaving me even more confused than before.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, pathetically.

As she disappeared into the distance, I retreated into my house. The air conditioning hit me like a vat of ice water, reminding me what a cold hearted person I was.

I didn't listen to myself enough. I'd been crying out for love and affection for so long and I'd become immune to it because of the way Dylan and I carried on with nothing but meaningless sex. My feelings no longer existed inside of my head but Jagger found a way to turn them back on because now, I felt sad.

She made me feel emotion again. She made me angry at her for never thanking me, she made me feel guilty for not treating Dylan right and she made me feel responsible for her when I found her lying in that hotel room, barely breathing.

Maybe if I didn't isolate myself so much from people, I'd have recognised these feelings sooner and I'd have known what I was doing when I made Jagger laugh and smile. I'd have realised that the more I made her blush, the more she'd start to feel things for me that I simply couldn't return because I was practically dead inside.

*******

NEWS OMG OMG OMG:

GOTZEUS LIVES ON I CANNOT COPE IM SO HAPPY OH MY GOSH SOMEONE HOLD ME

AND

MY LITTLE ANGEL ANDER HERRERA IS NOW A DADDY AFTER THE BIRTH OF HIS DAUGHTER I WANT TO CRY

someone pls send help I'm not coping today ok

-eva