breathe | r lewandowski

11

"Robert! You're passing the ball too much, go forward!"

I panted heavily, spitting onto the pitch as I stood with my hands on my hips, waiting for Mario to take the throw in.

He threw the ball to me, I passed it back to him and circled the defender before Mario clipped his left side, sending the ball through his legs and right to my feet.

I raced down the wing, only two defenders back in their position and I had Mario behind me, Thomas along side me. You'd think that the noise of a full stadium would be so deafening you wouldn't be able to think, but to me, all I heard was silence.

Silence, and Thomas' screaming voice telling me to square the ball to him as the keeper was coming out to grab the ball from the edge of my toes.

So I did, I took the ball around the goalkeeper, squaring it to Thomas who blasted it angrily into the roof of the net. I grinned and ran to the German, jumping onto his back as he raced towards the corner flag with his arms stretched out wide.

Then, I heard the noise of a full stadium. All the cheering and happiness was supposed to spur a fire and a fight inside of you but for me, I felt nothing.

After the game, I showered and changed back into my suit. I wasn't asked for a post match interview which meant I could sign a few autographs and then head home and do nothing for the rest of the day.

I grabbed my shower bag and tucked it under my arm, heading towards the exit of the ground only to have my name called.

"Robert!" I turned to see Jagger. I hadn't actually seen her around the training complex for a few days but I didn't think much of it, "Can I talk to you for a moment, please?"

Without saying a word, I followed her into an office further down the corridor of the dressing rooms. I closed the door behind Jagger, running a hand through my damp hair.

Jagger stood staring at her shoes. She was dressed in black leggings and a high neck jumper with the Bayern crest embellished upon it, her hair tied into a tight pony tail and her face bare of any makeup.

I looked at her. I mean, I did more than just look. My eyes scraped across every single inch of her body, evaluating every last point of her posture, stance and body language that I possibly could before coming to the agonising conclusion that now, Jagger was the one that wasn't okay.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just landed all that on you the other day, it's not something I usually do when I like a guy, I guess I just got a little carried away that's all."

"Jagger," I began, my voice sounding like a whisper in the thick air, "You don't have to be sorry about anything. It's good to let out your emotions and feelings."

"Yeah," she laughed, shaking her head slightly, "But not in the way I did to you. That was just embarrassing, I never cry in front of anybody."

Jagger laughed, but I could hear her voice breaking when she spoke and since she was looking down, I could only assume that she was trying not to cry in front of me again.

I sighed and walked over to her. I hated seeing her like this, she was such a breath of fresh air when I first met her. She was always so happy and full of life but now, after she'd spent time with me, I'd managed to drag her down like I do with everybody else that gets too close to me.

I felt responsible for her being like this and I felt guilty. If I'd have thought more, then she wouldn't be like this and she wouldn't feel the way she did about me. I hated the fact that someone liked me, I wasn't flattered at all, I just felt bad because I couldn't ever commit to anything myself, it always ended badly.

Standing above Jagger, I sunk my teeth into my lower lip and paused for a second to think. But then, I thought to myself that I couldn't make things much worse, no matter what I did.

I gently placed my hand under her chin, lifting her face up so her teary eyes had no choice but to look into my stone cold dry ones.

"Don't ever be ashamed to cry in front of me, and don't ever be ashamed to tell someone how you feel."

And then, I hugged the girl. I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist as she buried her head into my chest, being a lot smaller than myself. I cradled her as she cried, resting my head on top of hers and just holding her, not saying anything.

The way she fit into the shape of my body was perfect, it was as if I was holding a silhouette. I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt and hitting my skin. We had never been this close before and all I wanted her to do was hug me back.

Her arms were hung limp by her sides and I felt as though my efforts were unrequited. I feel like I was trying to help, I was trying to connect and engage emotionally with her, I was making an effort and she had shot me down without even speaking.

I felt hurt.

Just like that, I found another emotion that had come back from the dead inside me and that was, again, down to Jagger.

I wanted her to look up at me with those beautiful brown eyes and stare at me like I was the only thing she saw in the world. I wanted her to not be able to do anything but smile when she saw me and only ever have the urge to kiss me and touch my skin.

I wanted to be adored.

I didn't know how I felt, but I knew what I wanted and for once, I was going to be selfish.

Jagger pulled herself away from my chest. I looked down at her questioningly. Her eyes were red from crying and her cheeks were stained with tears but to me, she had never looked so beautiful.

"Thank you, Robert."

I smiled down at her, butterflies in my stomach making my heart beat faster and my veins pulsate quicker as I continued to look into her eyes.

"Don't thank me."

I kissed her quickly, suddenly and all at once. One of my hands caught the bottom of her back and the other was firmly holding the side of her face as I smashed my lips against hers with such force that even I was taken a back at what I'd done.

She kissed me back, but I couldn't say I was surprised. Her lips were soft and tasted like coconut with a hint of chocolate. I could feel her smiling as I kissed her and all that made me do was kiss her harder and hold her closer to me, so close that she'd never want to let go.

But what I didn't bank on, was me not wanting to let go either.