breathe | r lewandowski

22

I barged through the doors of the hospital entrance, narrowly missing knocking over a substantial amount of people because of my hastiness.

Sweat was dripping from my forehead and my skin felt damp and clammy, my test tight and my shoulders heavily weighted whilst my mind was swamped with a million things at once and yet as I tried to think, nothing was there.

Following directions from a nurse, I took the stairs up to the sixth floor, my anxiety not letting me wait longer than a second for a lift to take me there.

I raced up the steps, running down the corridor until I came to the room. Doctors were everywhere and I couldn't even see Jagger until one of them moved, revealing her to me.

She was worn out. Her eyes were barely open and her hair had been pushed up out of her face, her skin hot and red. I looked down and noticed all the needles and wires going into her, draining and providing liquid from and to her body.

Her bump was gone.

The sheets around her were stained with blood and I could tell that she was drifting in and out of consciousness, which is how I was beginning to feel as I stood and watched her from behind the glass.

"Jagger," I said as I opened the door, all the doctors and nurses turning to look at me.

"Excuse me Sir, you can't-"

"I'm her boy- I'm the babies' father."

Jagger couldn't hear me, but I knew that if she could, she wouldn't want me to speak to her, let alone title myself as her boyfriend. I didn't deserve Jagger, but then again, I didn't deserve anybody. Especially not two tiny humans who now were depending on me.

"Follow me, Sir."

A nurse in a blue scrubs pulled down her mask, dumping her bloodstained gloves into a trash can on the way out of the room. I took one last look at Jagger as she lay breathing, her eyes now closed as doctors attended to her.

Following her through the hospital, I passed by room after endless room of couples with their newborn and I couldn't help but feel disheartened. Nothing in my life was every straight forward. I wasn't sure why I assumed the birth of my children would be, but I thought that God might have been on my side for once.

He wasn't.

"Your son is here, and your daughter is here."

They were tiny - smaller than tiny, they were miniature. They barely looked formed and as i gazed through the glass at them, I realised that they could both easily fit inside the palm of my hand.

"Will they be alright?"

The nurse just sighed.

"Twins always come early, it's nature. But we're doing everything we can for your children."

We stood in silence for a moment or so as I stared even more at them. They were both sleeping so soundly, but I wondered how it could possibly be comfortable with all those wires jabbing into their tiny bodies.

Neither of them had my dark hair, both had a light sandy brown colour which must have come from Jagger's genes. I wondered what colour their eyes would be. I secretly hoped they would both have my bright blue eyes, but I know they'd look more beautiful with Jagger's deep green colour.

"Did you and Jagger pick the names together? They're very beautiful."

"N-no," I said, my eyebrow raised as I turned and looked at the nurse. Jagger and I never even got as far as buying cribs for them, let alone deciding on names for our children.

"Noa Isabella and Max Jakob, at least that's what I have written down here anyway. Nobody has signed the birth certificate yet, Jagger wanted to wait until you were both here."

"Oh." Was all I said.

I couldn't think of anything else to say. Sure, the names were nice, but I had always told Jagger that I wanted to carry on my mother and father's names into my own family. It upset me, but equally frustrated me.

I called day after day to try and check up on her and ask how she was doing, but every time I got nothing. I couldn't bare to imagine her having to go through the fear of labour in her home by herself, with nobody by her side and feeling so terrified, because she always told me how afraid of giving birth she was.

I wanted to be there. I wanted to help her and support her and yet I never even got a call from her, I got a call from Mario telling me that Jagger had been taking into hospital. I didn't even know that was possible, the babies had at least another three weeks to go, and I became scared.

I drove quickly and recklessly, but it was no help. I still wasn't there for their birth, and I couldn't even speak to Jagger because of how much of a bad shape she was in. And my children, as well.

I knew they were not okay. I knew that having twins would always present its problems, but the amount or tubes and wires made me so anxious that I just wanted to hold them both against my chest and protect them from the world. They didn't need anybody else, they didn't need Jagger, they didn't need a doctor or a nurse, they needed me.

But all I could do was hold their tiny hand through a gap in the small tanks they were being kept in.

"I'll be back in a while to feed them. You're welcome to stay with your children if you'd like, I'll keep you updated on Jagger."

"Alright," I said, "Thank you."

"No problem," the nurse smiled and walked away, pausing at the door way of the NICU only to turn back and face me.

"Oh," she started, "and congratulations, Mr Müller."