breathe | r lewandowski

12

"Shh, you'll wake the neighbours!"

I laughed, tugging on Jagger's hand as I tried to find the staircase in her house.

We had taken a spontaneous trip to a bar on the other side of town so nobody would see me drinking. I knew the bartender there and he said he'd keep his mouth shut, for Jagger's part too.

I ended up telling her all about Dylan, spelling my guts to her and wearing my heart on my sleeve like I was a fearless and bold man with an exterior made of steel and an interior of silk. When really, I was all cold, bitter ice.

After probably drinking far too much, all I wanted to do was get home with Jagger. We called a cab and a journey made a lot shorter because of Jagger kissing me the whole time brought us back to her house.

"I don't care if I wake your fucking neighbours."

Jagger just smirked at me, kicking open the door to her bedroom. I pushed her down onto the bed, pulling the band out of her hair and running my fingers through her dark locks as I kissed her passionately.

She began unbuttoning my shirt and I pulled her jumper off over her head, pausing to look at her body. Both on our knees, she raised an eyebrow at me, unclasping her bra and letting in fall onto the covers. I gulped, sinking my teeth into my lip as she pulled all her hair over one shoulder and edged closer to me, unbuckling my belt and pushing down my jeans.

I just kissed her, not wanting to have to look at her tantalising body any longer without being able to touch her and kiss every single inch of her skin.

I could feel her grinning as we kissed, my hands racing across her bare back. She was beautiful, and served on a silver platter all for me.

"Jagger, we don't have to-"

I stopped mid-sentence, coughing and spluttering into an awe of silence as her lips trailed from mine and ventured lower. My eyes squeezed shut as I grabbed fistfuls of her hair, wanting nothing more than to simply fuck her until she had to scream to make me stop.

That night, I got exactly what I wanted.

+ + +

"Robert? What are you doing here at this time?"

"Can't you just let me in first?"

Klara sighed and rolled her eyes. She answered the door in a silk dressing gown and led me into the lounge after making me a cup of coffee and two slices of toast.

She sat down by my side, eagerly waiting for me to explain why on earth I came knocking on her door at seven in the morning.

"I made a mistake - I, I think I have anyway."

"What did you do?"

"I slept with this girl who I work with, she told me the other day that she had feelings for me and then yesterday we spoke and something came over me and I suddenly looked at her differently and I kissed her and then last night happened and it's going to end badly I just know it is."

Throwing my head into my hands, I sighed loudly. As soon as I woke up that morning and saw Jagger sleeping soundly next to me, I felt at home. And home right then wasn't home as I knew it for the last ten years of my life.

I hated change, I hated commitment and I hated when I couldn't control my feelings. When I looked down at Jagger, my heart instantly warmed at her hair all over the pillow, her lips slightly parted and the love bites on her neck. I liked waking up by her side, I liked having her to hold in the night and I liked the way she would whisper my name in her sleep. I liked her, and I hated myself for it.

"Dude listen to yourself! You didn't make a mistake, you're just too afraid of change and that's taking over your life."

"I can't have a relationship, you know that better than anyone, Klara!"

Klara groaned and I could tell she was getting frustrated more and more by the second. She grabbed my hands and squeezed them tightly. I just stared at her, my blue eyes blank and lifeless as I felt so much all at once it combusted into absolutely nothing.

"No, you can have a relationship and you can have an amazing and special one at that. You're just scared of opening up and feeling something for somebody. Look, you tell me everything and you're never afraid of talking to me about anything, all that's different in a relationship is that you also want to kiss the other person all the time, you want to be with them and hold them and-"

"Klara have you got a new boyfriend or something you sound all loved up." I laughed, trailing away from the main topic of the conversation for a second, joking with my oldest and most valued friend.

"Not the time, Robert."

"So you have! What's his-"

"Not. Now. Listen to me!" She shook my hands violently in order to grasp my attention properly, "You look at Jagger and you want to kiss her, right?"

I hesitated for a moment before replying, "Right."

"But what you're scared of is your relationship failing like it did with Dylan and Ella and Hannah and Lu-"

"Ok, ok you don't have to list all my failed relationships, I get the point."

Klara smiled at me, dropping my hands back down into my lap.

"How does she make you feel?"

I smiled, shaking my head slowly and thinking back to all the time I've spent with Jagger at my side.

"Every time I'm with her, I feel like she discovers a part of me that I've never seen before. She finds new emotions in me that I've never experienced before, she makes me feel things, real things."

"Does she make you happy?"

"She makes me confused, and sometimes angry because I don't like the fact that she can make me feel this way and I can't do anything about it."

Klara just smiled, looking at me as if I was oblivious to everything around me. Sometimes I felt like I was in my own little world, and I liked it there, but I also despised the isolation.

"Robert, you didn't make a mistake. Whoever this girl is, she's found you before you could even find yourself. If I were you, I'd go back to her house before she wakes up to find that you've ditched her."

So I did. I drove back to Jagger's house, found the key from under the mat and unlocked the front door. I quietly tiptoed back up the stairs and entered the bedroom. To my surprise, Jagger was still fast asleep.

I smiled as I looked at her. Admittedly, my feelings scared me. As I lay my eyes upon her I got a sense of belonging and my mind took me to a future where Jagger and I woke up beside each other every day. She would kiss me on the lips before leaving the room, only to return with a baby in her arms. My mind was telling me that this was it, I had found my other half and not a single part of me doubted it.

Taking my clothes off and crawling back under the covers. I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her into my chest, kissing her forehead and holding her close to me.

"I thought you weren't going to come back." Jagger whispered sleepily, not opening her eyes, only nestling her head into my shoulder.

"I'm not going anywhere, darling."