breathe | r lewandowski

20

"Hey Thomas, what're you doing here?"

I grinned, gripping the shopping bag between my fingers as I approached Thomas from behind, calling out his name as he browsed through the clothing racks.

He span round suddenly, his eyes widening as if he was shocked to see me, his team mate, in a store in our own city. I just raised an eyebrow, unsure on how to digest his odd reaction.

Glancing down at his hand, I saw that he was clutching a baby grow. It was grey with white stripes and a small cartoon tiger sewn onto the chest.

"Oh, I didn't know that-"

"Nope," Thomas said, almost whipping the small outfit behind his back so he could pretend like I hadn't even seen it, "It's for a friend. Yes, a family friend."

I just nodded, forcing a smile onto my lips, despite feeling very on edge at Thomas' odd behaviour. He was jumpy and jittery, almost like he didn't want to speak to me. His eyes kept darting around us, constantly watching the space.

"So are you, uh?"

Thomas gestures towards the basket I was holding, which, coincidentally, was also filled with baby clothes.

"Yeah," I smiled widely, suddenly not caring at all about how strange Thomas was acting. Nothing at all could take away even the slightest bit of happiness I felt every time I thought about the future, "And there's two."

"-Twins?"  Thomas spluttered, coughing out his words messily.

Laughing, I smiled shyly and nodded, "Yeah. We decided to not find out the gender, we thought a surprise would be nice."

Thomas just looked down at the item of clothing in his hand. He seemed to stare at it for a few moments before placing it back down on the shelf. His smile, although forced before, had now disappeared. His face hung low and a sad expression fell upon his lips, like he'd been hit by a memory that was crushing him in a second.

"You know, I actually think I might try another store. I'll see you at training tomorrow?"

Before I could even answer Thomas, his back was turned and he walked away so quickly that he may as well have been running.

Nevertheless, I continued my shopping by myself. Jagger was only four months pregnant, but I wanted to prepare early. I was constantly asking questions about how she felt, if she wanted boys, girls or one of each.

Although each time I even mentioned the pregnancy, she told me she didn't want to talk about it. It made me feel saddened. The fact that I was going to be a father had picked me up out of the dark, it had made me start trying harder not only for myself, but for my children too.

But no, Jagger wasn't interested. To me, it felt like Jagger was just living with a burden. Of course, I had asked many times whether she was sure about keeping the twins, and each time I asked, she replied so forcefully that I felt guilty for even asking.

I just wanted her to be okay, I wanted my children to be okay, and I wanted to be okay. Because sometimes I felt like I was on top of the world and other days, I felt like I was being suffocated by the weight of it.

After paying for all the shopping, I picked up some things for dinner and headed back home. I'd been training in the morning and Jagger had been working all day.

By the time I got home, Jagger's car was parked in the driveway to my house. We hadn't officially move in together, but we were more or less living together all the time. I enjoyed her company, and I adored her and the ground she walked on.

Unlocking the door and walking inside, I dumped all the bags on the floor in the living room in front of Jagger, who was relaxing with her feet up on the sofa.

"Robert, what's all this?" Pushing herself up from her slumped position, Jagger peered into the bags as I just stood behind them, a huge smile on my face.

"I went out and bought stuff for the babies, you know, so we can be prepared!" I grinned, delving into one of the bags that were sprawled out across the carpet, "Look, I picked up these little outfits and I got these toys for them. I wasn't sure what they'd need straight away but I just guessed that all newborns are the same, I don't really know-"

"Oh, Robert."

Frowning, I rushed over to Jagger who's smile had faded. Her eyes were dark, empty and remorseful. I was confused at her reaction. I thought I'd done something good, maybe even done something to pick up her mood.

I thought that if I'd tried harder to embrace the fact that we were going to become parents then she'd be happier, because at the moment, all she seemed to be was upset, and that was gut wrenching for me to have to watch with nothing I could do to help.

"What's wrong? Jagger, talk to me..."

Placing my arm around her shoulder, I tried to pull her small frame into me, but she just pushed herself away. Her face was stone cold and her lips were pulled into a firm line.

"Why...why have you done all this?"

"What do you mean why? Because we have two kids on the way, Jag, that's why?" I said, forcing out a laugh deep amongst my confusion around her.

"Why now? Robert it's far too soon, I don't want to even think about having two babies yet and-"

"Are you crazy? Jagger this is life changing and you're acting like its no big deal? It's a huge deal, what's wrong with you?"

"No, Robert, what's wrong with you? Not everything revolves around you. You don't get to tell me that we're having two kids and you don't get to just buy all this stuff for my children and-"

"Woah," I said, pulling away from her and narrowing my eyes, my heart being pulled on, "Your children? The last time I checked, there's two of us needed to make a kid, Jagger."

She just frowned. She was angry, mad and deep down I knew she was confused. However, I wasn't sure what she was confused about, but whatever it was, it was confusing me too.

I just wanted to do something good, but all I got from her was one big kick in the teeth.