I am what my English teacher calls a shrinking violet, a cagey person who shuts everyone who tries to get close to her out and other words I can't even pronounce.
I have no particular interest in making new friends nor do I even feel inclined to make any. I hide my body in oversized clothes. I look like a destitute in them but I like it. They make me feel relaxed and less furious at the world. Cee threatens to throw them away but she doesn't understand me, no one does!
"I get you and all but really I'm not hungry, I'll grab an energy bar and leave. This conversation is a repetition of every other morning it feels like déjà vu and it is. You already know how it ends so let's cut the conversation short and not waste time so please just let me leave for school. And you can make fun of anything about me, just not my clothes and you know it. I never tell you about how much your best friend gets on my nerves or how your mac and cheese tastes horrible, or how much I like home without you and Chloe , or how your new hair colour makes you look like an aging teenager, or how sickening your boobs are when you leave cleavages or how you should make sure everyone has slept before bringing your one-night stands home, there is more but I don't want to say any unkind words so early in the morning , so can we at least try to be polite to each other" I say raising my voice were it felt necessary, which was every single word I said.
"You know what, I can't do this anymore Hale! I know I am not the best mother but-"
"You're not!" I snapped cutting her off.
"I am actually putting some effort and it pains me to know that you are not even acknowledging any of my efforts. I know I had given up but I am willing to try now. Things haven't been easy for you and I am aware of it. My efforts will be to prevail. I just want you to know that I will keep trying. You can leave now I don't want to hold you back." Her voice sounded wounded but I was tired and I was not in the mood of sympathy.
"You already lost me Candace, nothing's going change from now on so just give up and stop trying to fight battles you are not armoured for. I've waited long enough for change in this house just let me be. I am already too broken to be fixed. I am living for college soon I won't be a burden to you anymore. I signed the forms on my own without your consent for good reasons. You are just going to wake up one morning and realise that I will be gone that's if my absence is even going affect you. I am only going to school because it is better than spending a whole day in this excuse of a home." I said this with so much anger as I quickly left the kitchen through the back door.
I didn't wait for her reaction or response on the university bomb I had just dropped on her.
I know I am supposed to feel apologetic but I couldn't keep acting like we had an impeccable mother-daughter relationship. I eat enough food to keep me alive and I like it that way. I've already been through enough, my scars are insignias of what I have been through.The size of the clothes I wear result in me looking like a hobo when I enter the school gates but the energy to care just isn't in me.
