Dangerous Life

Chapter Five

The drive home from the restaurant has so far been filled with nothing but silence. Total silence. I can feel Xavier glancing at me every few seconds and then different emotions seem to develop on his face.

I can tell he's thinking. I'm not sure what about, or how he's feeling, but I can see him processing everything as his fingers tightly grip the cars steering wheel.

It's so quiet I'm almost scared to breathe. The airs so thin you could cut the tension with a knife.

I don't realise my fingers are still trembling until Xavier places one of his hands over them, squeezing them gently. Although his eyes are still on the dark road in front of us.

As if on instinct, my fingers intertwine with his. My heart rate slowly begins to calm down when his thumb rubs circles on the back of my hand soothingly. I have no idea what to say to him.

I open my mouth to say something - anything to break the silence. However, I close it again as soon as he looks at me and stare at our intertwined instead.

"What?" He lifts an eyebrow, his voice is soft and calm. He almost sounds amused by my lack of words.

"Nothing" I squeak quickly, praying he'll drop it.

"You were going to say something" I pull my bottom lip between my teeth, of course he couldn't drop it. "You don't have to be nervous around me Grace."

"I'm not nervous... It just..." I stutter as I try to find the right words to use. "I think I'm still in shock, it just feels different."

"Good different or bad different?"

"That kind of depends on you" I whisper. Now he does look at me, just for a second, long enough to catch my unsure gaze. "I can't tell what you're thinking."

"I'm still processing I think" he admits honestly. His gaze flickers briefly to my stomach for what feels like the millionth time tonight. "It's hard for me to believe you're actually pregnant."

"It's hard for me to believe to" I admit honestly. "I'm terrified."

"I'll make sure you have the best of everything" he states quietly. "And I'll do my best to look after both of you as well as I can. You'll just have to put up with me while I try to adjust to everything. It'll be - hard for me at first."

He pulls into the driveway and I'm grateful to see our house. That doesn't stop the words I've been wanting to say to him since the start from escaping my lips. "You always told me you never wanted to have kids, that's why I was so worried about telling you. I didn't know how you'd react."

"You thought I'd make you get rid of our baby?" I expect him to be angry but his voice is almost timid. "Or leave you?"

"I wasn't sure what to think" I answer just as quietly. I try my hardest to be honest with him when he turns the car off.

"For certain reasons because of my past and what I do - I never wanted and still don't want to have kids. I don't deserve them, I barely deserve you. But, I would never abandon you and that's not going to change now or ever. I'm not a very loving person - I can't ever see myself being a good Dad. My Dad was a useless moron, he still is, but I know you'll be an amazing Mom. You're just going to have to help me..... A lot."

"I think you'll be a great Dad Xavier" I look up at him as he runs a hand down his face.  "You're too hard on yourself, you deserve so much more than you think."