Dangerous Life

Chapter Eight

I'm undeniably tense as Dr Cave lifts my blouse, revealing my flat belly. This is after asking a numerous amount of different questions about my health and how I've been feeling over the last few weeks.

Throughout the entire conversation Xavier was incredibly silent, too silent.

His phone vibrated so many times that he had to turn it off and that only made me feel even more on edge. Why did all of this have to happen all at once?

"This might be a little cold" she warns, placing the uncomfortable gel against my skin as I shift against the mattress.

Xavier's chair is so close to the bed that he's barely inches away from me. His fingers wrap around mine when the loud machine turns on, obviously noticing my worry.

He's so calm and collected, but I don't know how he can be. There's no sign of any kind of emotion on his serious face and that leaves me feeling a million of them.

For couples, they say this is the most exciting time in a relationship. Your baby's first scan, seeing something you've created together out of love - whether their planned or not planned. But Xavier seems to look more as though he's in a business meeting than ultrasound. I know what's happened last night and today is stressing him out, it's stressing me out too but I just want this to be okay. If our baby's okay then I can be okay as well.

"Oh look, I can already see your little one" my eyes widen at the small grey shape she points to on the screen which stands out from the rest of the black surrounding it. "Since your only about seven weeks along the picture won't be very clear, but we should hear a good, strong heartbeat."

I can barely process what I'm looking at, that tiny little blimp really is our precious, beautiful baby. I know there are tears in my eyes, I have to stop them from spilling over when I glance at Xavier who looks like he's a seen a ghost. The reality our situation become clear to him very quickly.

He looks like he wants to say something when he meets my gaze, but his mouth just opens and closes like mine does. Neither of us are able to say anything that could possibly describe how this moment feels right now.

All the other issues going on around us feel forgotten. I feel protected from the outside world in this tiny little room as we stare at our baby. It's already found a place in a large part of my heart.

"Hmm" the doctor adjusts the wand on my belly, moving it across different parts with a concentrated look on her face.

"Is everything okay?" I decide to ask since Xavier's to fixated with the image in front of him to notice.

"Sometimes it's a little harder to find a heartbeat if they're turned on their sides or facing the wrong way - I should find it soon" she smiles reassuringly at me for what feels like the millionth time. I pull my bottom lip between my teeth, waiting for the precious sound I know my ears will treasure forever.

"There isn't a heartbeat is there?" I glance at Xavier with wide eyes as the words leave his mouth a few minutes later. He says it without an inch of emotion, like what he's saying has no effect on him at all, like what he's suggesting isn't a big deal.

Doctor Cave takes a steady breath, locking eyes with him as I try to process the look crossing her face. I know it, I know it all too well. Guilt, sadness - sympathy.

"Sometimes for no particular reason these things happen very early on in pregnancies. It's more common than you think and it doesn't mean you can't try again and have a perfectly healthy baby."

I swallow, staring at my flat, gel covered belly with a totally different feeling than I had two minutes ago.

My precious, innocent little baby isn't alive - I've only known about it for a few days and it had completely shocked me beyond compare, but I was already in love. In love with this tiny little gift I already feel attached too. My tiny little gift that is now no more.

"But Grace is fine? This won't affect her health?" Xavier questions, but I have no idea how can even think of me right now and speak so plainly. He talks like we're discussing what to have for lunch. 

"Grace is 100% healthy and normal, like I said - when your this early on in the pregnancy these things can happen" Dr Cave meets my watery gaze as she wipes the gel cleanly from my stomach. "I'll give you both a moment together, you can come out when your ready, let me know if you need anything." She offers me a small smile as a stray tear slides from my cheek. "I'm sorry love."

"It's okay" I whisper as she walks out, so quietly she barely hears me. But it's not okay, I'm not okay. I already felt like a Mum in some crazy sense of the word. I already loved this tiny little dot inside me that could've grown up to be a person.

What would they have looked like? Would they have had Xavier's dark eyes or a mixture between mine and his? A boy or a girl?

"Don't cry Grace" Xavier uses one strong arm to pull me against his chest, allowing my head to fall on his shoulder as he cradles me into him tightly. "These things happen, it wasn't the right time anyway. Not with everything that's going on."

"I already loved it" I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands pathetically. "I should've done better, then our baby would still be alive."

"Don't say that" Xavier's voice is firm, scolding almost. "There's nothing you could've done any better than you did, it wasn't even a baby yet, it was harry a dot."

"Why does it hurt so much then?" I ask quietly, although he seems perfectly unaffected by everything that just happened.

"Because you care too much" his thumb wipes away the few stray tears that have fallen. "You wouldn't want a baby in our lives right now Grace. Things are going to get complicated and trying to keep you out of it is going to be hard enough." His words make me think back to what he was telling me before the doctor called us in.

"Whose Zana?" I whisper, feeling the arm around me tense noticeably as I stare at my fingers.

"We don't need to discuss that now, you're too upset" he helps me carefully sit up but I can't stop myself from glancing at the now blank screen once again. "I'll drop you home and ask Sam to come over so you're not by yourself" he soothes my hair with his hand when I stand up, staying only inches in front of me.

"No I have to go to work, I have a meeting with my boss soon" I wipe my eyes again in a weak attempt to make it look like I haven't just been crying.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

Xavier's piercing eyes burn down at me. He doesn't seem at all upset by our bad news and I watch as he pulls his phone from his pocket, turning it back on.

It hurts me deeply that he almost seems relieved by this news.

"I want to go, sitting at home by myself isn't going to do me any good" I whisper, glancing at the phone screen he examines and the millions of missed calls and texts on his screen. A few I can see have the name Zana written across the top and that doesn't make me feel any better.

Who is she?

"We should go" he turns his phone away from my gaze when he realises I'm watching it. The all to serious and perfectly professional man now back in replacement of the loving Xavier he is when he's himself.

"Okay" I whisper, unable to find the right amount of strength to sound confident. He doesn't seem to notice because he's still glaring harshly at the screen as he types on it, our devastation moments ago totally forgotten by him.

Perhaps the miscarriage is something he's grateful for. It means one less thing he has to deal with - no. I can't think like that. I'm sure deep down this has upset him too and he's just too stressed to show it.

"What have you got?" he's already answering calls by the time he opens the door for me to walk out of. The clipped and much to aggressive tone returning to his voice, making me frown.

This is officially the worst Monday of my entire life.

I couldn't be more disappointed in Xavier if I tried.