1000 Paper Cranes

Chapter 35 -10

When I woke up the next day, everything still sucked. But it sucked less than the day before. It still wasn't a suck I could bear, but maybe there had been truth to what my dad had said. Maybe one day it would suck in a way that I could tolerate. Until then, I was going to have to rely on others.

For the first time in days, I walked into my bedroom. Robin smiled at me from every wall. Robin's presence was still so strong in my room. I couldn't escape it. So I just accepted it. Solemnly, I began collecting her things, stacking them gently in a box. I left the photo of us by the fountain. I left her sparrows. This much Robin I could bear. This much Robin I could exist with.

I lie down on my bed, holding Marguerite close to me. She nestled her snout against my neck, her breath coming out in bursts that tickled every time. It felt nice to be in my own bed.

I looked over at the box that contained Robin. I didn't know what I wanted to do with it all. I didn't want to get rid of it. I didn't' want to keep it. What was I supposed to do with it? How was I supposed to move on when I didn't want to move on?

"Knock-knock," Joanna's voice called from my door.

Without waiting for a response, she came and sat at the foot of my bed. I could feel her smile on me before I even opened my eyes.

"You're up early," I commented. The truth was, I had no idea what time it was. But I had just woken up, so I was assuming it was early.

"It's 1:00," Joanna shook her head, laughing.

"That seems early," I said passively, returning my gaze to the ceiling.

"It's not. And you need to get out of this house," Joanna smiled, leaning back to lie beside me. "Your skin looks yellow. You need some sun."

"Where do you propose we go?" I didn't look at her. "It's a school day. We're not supposed to leave the house."

I could hear the contempt in my voice. I couldn't control it even though I tried.

"I'm sorry," I said, but my voice didn't sound like I meant it.

"It's okay." There was a smile in her voice. She was healing better than I was; she was getting better faster. I envied her.

"Jon's back at school today, so it's just me and you. We can do whatever you want to do."

I didn't want to do anything. I knew if I told her that, though, nothing good could come of it. I pondered on what I wanted to do and as I did, my stomach rumbled like thunder.

"I think I'm hungry," I laughed.

"When's the last time you ate?"

"Friday?" I said it like I was unsure. I wasn't unsure.

"Christ, Jordan," she sighed. "You've got to take care of yourself."

She stood, smoothing her clothes out. Offering me her hand, she pulled me to my feet. Her eyes were bright, sparkling like the Joanna who had existed two weeks ago.

"How are you okay?" I asked her, my eyes narrowing.

"I'm not," Joanna shrugged. "But sometimes the world sucks. We can either let it get us down and stay in bed and cry. Or we can get up, wash our faces, and show the world that we can't be broken."

"I need to shower."

I let the hot water run over me until it turned cold. I think I washed my hair. I didn't shave. I looked unreasonably unkempt. I didn't try to fix my Mohawk.

"Does your phone not work anymore?" Joanna called to me from my bedroom. "I've tried calling and texting you for days. I just get voice mail and no response."