All of It

Seven

ITS EARLY WTF??? Yes I got home earlier than expected and didn't stop writing so here little lambs.
Long chapter because I haven't updated in forever you're welcome.
Also I think I might have three or four more chapters in this instead of two because this one didn't go as far as I wanted it to. Anyway, enjoy crying I'm sorry gl mate

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"You fucking left me. After everything you said and everything we went through you left without a trace." I breathed, "I loved you. In both a platonic and lover way damn I loved you. You fucking broke me to pieces. You didn't say how worthless I was you emphasized it. Even if you didn't direct it at me do you think that's going to make up for all the years of trauma? Do you know how depressed I was? I was so empty and alone and if it wasn't for Sarah I might not even fucking be here. Spence went through so much addiction and you weren't there, you never said anything. He was your friend too you know, that wasn't even connected to me and you still didn't do or fucking say anything.

I could fucking go on for hours about what pisses me off about what happened. But you know what bothers me most? The fact that none of it mattered to you and you left after that. And you made me fucking believe it. That's what I fucking hate. You made me believe all that shit because you didn't  call or mention me ever after that. Not once did I ever see my name cross any of your interviews,  posts,  I don't even think you've made eye contact with me until tonight! And-"

"Yesterday." Ryan interjected. Fumbling with his thumbs.

"What?" I spat, my tone asking him why h interrupted me.

"Yesterday, it's twelve right now."

"You're actually fucking kidding me. We've only been out here for an hour!"

"Try three" he mumbled.

"Sarah's going to be worried sick I-"

"I think she expects it, just finish what you were saying Brendon." He said, dropping his phone I between his legs.

I sighed, since my rant got broken I had lost my train of thought- which has been happening recently lately, probably my anxiety.

"Wait I thought you saw someone for your anxiety!" Ryan jumped, suddenly entergetic and interested in the conversation.

"What? How did you know I..." Said that out loud. That's been happening a lot lately too.

"Brendon Boyd Urie if you're not mentally healthy why the ever loving fuck did you not see someone about it?!" He yelled and stood up to be face to face with me.

We were only inches apart and he looked furious from what the little light  of the moon gave me to see. Why was he so mad? He didn't have a right to be mad, I was the one that was supposed to be angry, and oh fuck me I was angry, and he just made it even worse.

Maybe the anger was to cover up the fear, to help me cope with what I really wanted to do- how I really felt.

Which was scared, once I thought about it. I really didn't have any idea what I supposed to do or so in this situation, and   really had no control.

No panic attacks Brendon. Not now. 

"And why. do you. care." I whispered, letting anger take over again.

He looked me in the eyes, which I could could see had been extinguished of all anger and filled with worry.  They were the same sad puppy dog eyes I had seen at my door step earlier today.