babylon » h.s.

Journal Entry Twenty

Journal Entry Twenty

Allison was mine. In the most innocent of sayings, of course.

Although now, I'm not sure it is what I wanted. I am supposed to be calm and collected around her, but I find myself becoming erratic and losing myself around her. I didn't plan this at all.

But the plan must go on, whether I want it to or not. They'll get angry if I don't.

-H

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It was one of those mornings where Harry woke up early and sat on the rocks under the Brooklyn Bridge to watch the warming sunrise glaze the Manhattan skyline beyond the buildings. When he first bought his apartment near the river, this was something he did often when he needed to think.

He took a deep breath to calm his nerves, and he could feel his hands shaking slightly but he didn't worry. Even in his thin windbreaker he didn't really feel the biting December cold. He was numb again.

It was the first relaxing day he's had in a while. His head was silent, and the only thing he heard were his own thoughts.

For the past few days he couldn't stop thinking about Allison. The last time he'd seen her was in her office, and he missed the feel of her underneath his fingertips.

She hadn't contacted him in days, and he was starting to get antsy. What if she found out the plan and was toying with him until he admitted it?

Shaking the paranoid thought out his head, he slowly stood from the rock and started to jog along the edge of the water back towards his apartment to completely get his mind off it.

When he unlocked the building door, he was startled to see the woman plaguing his thoughts, sitting cross legged on the floor, reading a book. But that's not what shocked him the most.

Her hair was orange. Like a dwindling fire that even though it looked weak, could still melt skin when touched.

"Hi," Allison smiled up at him when she noticed he was standing near her. "What's up?"

His eyebrows raised to the top of his head. "'What's up?' You show up at my doorstep with your hair dyed fucking orange after not contacting me for five days and you have the nerve to ask me a measly what's up?"

She rolled her eyes and helped herself up when he didn't take her outstretched hand. "I have a job, you know. And a life."

Did she really have any other patients that weren't him? He was the most important client she had!

"So do I, I'm not getting your point," he responded with an eye roll.

Allison chuckled at him, before shaking her head and smiling. "Stop it. Everyone knows that the COO and the board of a company does more work than the CEO."

He glared at her, and all the talk about missing her and wanting to see her flew out his head. Then he smiled. "Then what the hell are you still doing here with a meaningless figurehead? Why don't you leave to someone who's clearly hardworking, maybe like Evan?"

If Harry weren't mad and he wasn't just demeaned by the woman standing in front of him, he would've winced after saying the last part, because he knew after years of being mocked by his father how much it hurt. But he didn't, and he kept the smirk clear on his face.

Usually with other women, he would expect a slap on the face or for them to curse him out, but they always came back. But not with Allison.

Her hand twitched at her side, as if she wanted to slap him, but then she just shook her head and picked her bag up. "Don't speak to me again."

His eyes widened as she brushed past him, and instantly he reached out to grab her arm. "Wait–"

"No," she spat, jerking her shoulder out of his grasp. "I know my self worth now. I'm not just gonna sit back and let you talk to me however you want. I told you I was finished with that."

"I apologize, I wasn't trying to demean you," he explained quickly, hoping she'd understand. "You hurt me with what you said, and I just wanted to hurt you back."

She sputtered, now getting upset. "Are you–are you fucking serious right now? Do you even hear yourself? 'I just wanted to hurt you back'? Have you learned nothing in any of the sessions we've had? Have you?"

Harry stayed silent, not knowing how to answer.

She sighed, suddenly feeling tired of all this back and forth. "I don't think you've truly felt remorse for anything. You just apologize to have someone forgive you but you don't actually seek reconciliation."

"Allison–" he made a move to reach for her again, but she moved out of range.

"I don't have time for this," she said with a tone of finality, which made Harry's heartbeat quicken. It sounded like she was actually finished with him, and it was over. But it couldn't be, right? "I hope you get the help you need."

She turned and walked through the double doors, back outside in the bright early morning light. It was as if it all happened in slow motion; her now orange hair glimmering in the early morning sunrise, her bronze skin alight. He wanted to chase after her, but his once moveable legs felt like they weighed a ton.

Why can't I move my legs? He questioned, trying to move towards the door. He looked down and saw his legs sinking further and further into the floor, and the more he struggled the faster he sank. It was like quicksand.

He was sinking, sinking, sinking...and his head was almost completely covered with the sounds of different voices coming from all directions at once. He was losing himself, and he couldn't breath.

"N-no!" He managed to choke out, fumbling around in his pocket for his pills he skipped out on this morning. "This isn't real, you're just hallucinating."

Oh but it is, my sweet child, one of the voices said. We all are.

Harry swallowed two of his pills, closed his eyes and covered his ears with his hands. Slowly, the voices began to fade and he stopped drowning.

He took a deep breath, and opened his eyes and the area was no longer shifting beneath him. He shivered, slightly rattled. His episodes have never been that severe, and he needed a high dosage in his medication or even a new prescription altogether.

He clutched at his chest, where he felt like someone was stepping on it with all their weight a few moments ago. Did he just have a panic attack?

Shaking his head, he wanted to go after Allison but he knew she was long gone.

Walking away from the apartment door, to exit the building. He had to leave Brooklyn, and head back uptown so he could concentrate on his work again.

But Allison...

He sighed and waved his hand to catch a cab. He needed to remember who he was, and what he was capable of.

Then, as if he had a revelation, he gasped as he remembered today's date.

December 16th. Allison's birthday.

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a/n: y'all have to keep in mind that only three months have passed since they met lol and this relationship is not healthy.

anyway sorry for the short update but the next chapter should be (no promises) longer than this.

& can you fucking believe that Summerslam and Raw are this weekend in my fucking city and I can't got because scalpers bought out all the tickets??? I'm actually so pressed I wanted to go so bad but maybe next year :/

-rachel