Perfectly Ordinary // Shawn Mendes

never be alone

claudia

California is different. The air is warmer and the days are longer. Although it is almost always sunny, it feels like a rain cloud hangs over my head and pours down on me every second of every day.

I spiral deeper into depression as every hour passes. I miss my old home, my mom, and Shawn.

I've changed. I have these permanent dark circles under my eyes, ones that cannot go away even with layers and layers of concealer. I cut almost all of my hair off, so every time I turn my head, the ends brush my shoulders. My aunt and uncle can't afford new clothes for me, so I'm forced to wear hand-me-downs or cheap shirts from the clearance racks. Every night, I begin reading the same book over and over again, until I can almost repeat all of the words without glancing down. The book that Shawn gave me, with his writing in the margins.

Sometimes the memories of us make me laugh. But most of the time, they make me cry.

It hurts like a knife through my heart every time I get word from Shawn. I miss him more than words can even describe, but I don't want him to miss me. I think it's best to let him forget about me and continue music. I no longer have anything happy about my new life to talk about with him, and I don't want to have him worrying about me.

The worst part is, I know he misses me. He still calls every night and texts me all the time. And whenever I read his messages, they bring tears to my eyes.

The hardest night for me was when Shawn sent me a video of him singing a new song he wrote called "Never Be Alone." He told me he wrote it for me, and he begged me to respond to him and tell him I was okay.

I wasn't okay. I couldn't respond. But I watched the video and cried into my pillow for hours.

I promise that one day I'll be around, I'll keep you safe, I'll keep you sound.

I missed him so damn much. Listening to his beautiful voice again made my heart beat faster and brought warmth to my cheeks. He looked so different in the video. He sat in his bedroom with his guitar, smiling at me with sadness in his eyes. His hair was shorter and his goofy braces were off; he was growing up without me.

And right now it's pretty crazy and I don't know how to stop, or slow it down.

Hey,
I know there are some things we need to talk about.

I wished I could talk to him. He was the only person I wanted to talk to, after all, but I just couldn't.

And I can't stay. Just let me hold you for a little longer now.

I missed his hugs, and breathing in his wonderful scent. I missed leaning my head against his chest and feeling his hands stroke my hair.

Take a piece of my heart
And make it all your own
So when we are apart, you'll never be alone.
You'll never be alone.

I had never felt more alone in my entire life. It felt like I was the only thing holding the broken pieces of myself together.

You'll never be alone.
When you miss me close your eyes,
I may be far, but never gone.

Sometimes before I went to bed, I would close my eyes and imagine Shawn by my side.

And when you fall asleep tonight, just remember that we lay under the same stars.

I remembered the day he met me. The stars were incredible that night. When Shawn and I stood on my balcony, the stars sparkled over his head.

And hey, I know there are some things we need to talk about.

There were so many things I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him how much my heart wept for him, and how much I truly loved his company.

And I can't stay. Just let me hold you for a little longer now.

I never wanted to let go from our last hug. He still cared about me, and his last shreds of hope sparkled in his eyes.

And take a piece of my heart
And make it all your own.
So when we are apart,
You'll never be alone.

There were tears spilling over his cheeks, and he gave one last pained smile.

You'll never be alone.