Perfectly Ordinary // Shawn Mendes

for him

claudia

For one moment in time, everything was okay in my world.

For one moment, I could smile without faking it. For one moment, I could remember how much a person can love another. For one moment, I could forget about the sadness eating away at me and hug my best friend again.

When that moment was over, reality kicked in.

Sometimes I think about how maybe if I could die, the world could be a better place. Maybe if I stop breathing out carbon dioxide and letting out hazardous car exhaust when I drive places, I can save people. When the world ends because the air is not safe to breathe, everyone can maybe live a second longer. In that second, the last baby can be born, someone can tell someone they love them, or maybe even someone can press a button and save the human race.

But I also think about if I was to die, I would hurt people around me. I would hurt my Aunt Diane who loves me like a mother, and I would probably hurt Kaylie too. My Uncle would probably cry, and I've never seen him cry before. Abi, Jamie, and Michaela would be upset for sure.

I can't kill myself. I think about it so many often that it's hard to remember when I began having suicidal thoughts. I figure it is because I am a coward. It actually is because I am too damn selfless that I care too much about how others who love me will react.

When Shawn told me he was worried, the moment was over. I remembered the new Claudia, the one who cries herself to sleep every night and enjoys pressing knife blades into her ankles to make her focus on the pain on her skin instead of the pain inside.

I hate the new Claudia. She is a shadow of the old one. She's not the nice, intelligent girl with the greatest best friend in the world anymore.

The sight of Shawn was breathtaking. He had grown up so much, and a feeling I had forgotten about exploded inside of me.

I eventually remembered that I wasn't the old Claudia that he loved. He thought I was, but I was far from it.

I couldn't pretend to be somebody that I'm just...not...anymore. But I also couldn't be me, because I'm not good enough either.

I would have hurt him either way. If I had talked with him and caught up with him, he would have been hurt that I'm not the same girl I used to be. I think I saved him from feeling the most pain.

That's what I'm convincing myself as I'm leaving him. I'm walking fast, I don't know where to. My feet are moving and my brain is going along with it.

My blurry vision makes it hard to find a bench, far from the one that Shawn and I were at. I eventually sit down, and the tears pour down my cheeks endlessly.

I see a figure walking towards me in the distance. His frame is bulky and his hair is buzzed. He approaches me, holding some type of envelope in his hand.

"Claudia Brooks?" He says, his voice deep and stern.

"Yes?" I sniffle, wiping my tears with the back of my hand.

"I was ordered to give this to you. It is very important to him."

I look up, my face distorted with confusion.

He bends down, his face close to mine. He looks back to where he came from, then back to me.

"You have no idea how much this means to him. He makes us put aside one VIP ticket for every concert in case he finds you," the man begins, and I realize it must be one of Shawn's bodyguards.

"Even if it's far, far away, he has this weird delusion that you could be there wandering the streets. More than anything he wants you to see him perform. And his weird delusion happens to be real this time, and it's my job to give this to you," he says, handing me the envelope.

"I-I can't take this--"

His voice softens, almost whispering.

"You don't understand. Almost all of the songs on his album are about you. You're tearing him apart by ignoring him, and he's standing back there crying. Hell, that kid has been through a lot and I've never seen a single tear in his eyes."

I squeeze my eyes shut.

"I don't know if you'll use this ticket, but I'm just saying that it'll mean the world to him. He misses you."

I take the envelope from his hands and squeeze it tightly.

Shawn's bodyguard straightens up and clears his throat. He looks back at me.

"I hope you can make it. I want you to see how far he's come."