Me Without You

Chapter 2:

You Were Loved...

Dear Bennie,

You were warm. You were my best friend and now I am left confused. I am trying to be strong, but strength was never my strong suit. I think of you every waking moment and no matter how hard I try I cry every time. I don't know how to get over this aching inside of me, I don't understand why my heart hurts although you're not hurting. I should be relieved you're in a better place and I know you're enjoying every moment, I just really miss you. I know I'll meet you eventually, I just can't stand the time. I miss you so much, Bennie. Life is dull and boring without you, I am so lonely.

I threw the pen and stared at the piece of paper before crumpling it and throwing it away. This shit was just too depressing, I thought before grabbing my cell and charging it. I laid in my bed and looked at my ceiling. Why? Just why?

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"You have the softest bed," Bennie stretched out and dramatically yawned, "I should totally lose my virginity on it." I threw a pillow at him, "You are just too disgusting," I gagged and he laughed.

"Do you think we'll ever have sex?" I asked, pausing and he shrugged. "I don't know, they don't have much gay guys in this town, maybe when we'll graduate we'll leave this forsaken town and travel the world." "I would love that," I smiled and he nodded.

"We can go to New York and get an apartment and live the high life," he grabbed my shades on my nightstand, "and find us two rich men and make them buy us whatever we want." "You're such a gold digger," I smiled, "I want to marry for love."

"I don't think love exists anymore," he shrugged. "I love you," I sat in bed and he smiled, hugging me. "I think you're the only one," he sighed, "I'm scared, Roxie." "For what?" I asked and he took a deep breath.

"My dad comes home tomorrow night and I have to tell him." "He'll understand, I'm sure of it. He'll love you no matter what." "You don't understand, my mom just started being ok with it if my dad comes back and doesn't approve she'll change her mind. They're die hard Catholics and my dad hates gay people." "But you're his son," I rubbed his arms. "I'm his only black son, he won't understand. He thinks black men should be strong and independent and not gay. Can you please come eat dinner with us tomorrow so that I could have your support just in case my mom flips on me."

"Of course, do you want my mom to be there too?" I asked and he shook his head. "No, I know your mom is off tomorrow, she needs to rest," he smiled and I smiled back at him. "This is going to be easy and you'll laugh at yourself for being so stressed." "I hope so, let's get some sleep. I love you Roxie." "I know, I love you too Bennie."

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I didn't even notice my pillow was soaked until my mind cleared and I snapped out of my dream. I flipped the pillow over and looked back at my crumpled paper and sat up in bed.

Getting out of bed, I grabbed the paper and smoothed it out and grabbed my pen. Finishing the letter, I smiled and rewrote it so that it looked nicer. Rereading it, I nodded my approval:

Dear Bennie,

You were warm. You were my best friend and now I am left confused. I am trying to be strong, but strength was never my strong suit. I think of you every waking moment and no matter how hard I try I cry every time. I don't know how to get over this aching inside of me, I don't understand why my heart hurts although you're not hurting. I should be relieved you're in a better place and I know you're enjoying every moment, I just really miss you. I know I'll meet you eventually, I just can't stand the time. I miss you so much, Bennie. Life is dull and boring without you, I am so lonely. I am still angry with you, but I still love you. Most of all I understand. I understand you were too good for this world and I understand that you were in pain and I couldn't help you. All I could do was love you and try to understand this.

I miss you with all of my heart and I will always love you.

Love Only,

Roxie

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The bright sun woke me up and I groaned. Today was my first day of my senior year and I was alone. I forced the sad thoughts out of my mind and stood up, going straight to my closet. Grabbing a pair of jeans and a black shirt and quickly dressed when I heard a knock on my door. "Come in," I said and my mom walked in a timid smile on her face and a plate of eggs and bacon. "Good morning honey," she sat on my bed, "you know you don't have to go today, we can get you an excuse if you don't want to." "I know mom, I have to. I can't let this stop me from living my life." "As long as you're sure, I have a late shift, but if you change your mind just call me and I'll pick you up and we can go shopping or get ice cream or whatever." "Really mom," I walked toward her and hugged her. "I love you and I know today is going to be hard, I have to go through with this. I can do this."

"I miss him too honey," she rubbed my back and kissed my forehead. "I know mom, he was like your son too," I smiled at her and grabbed the food from her, quickly eating and grabbing my backpack. "I'll see you later mom," I ran outside and towards the bus stop.

My heartbeat was loud in my ears and I cursed myself, I forgot my cellphone meaning no music to drown out the sound of my nervousness. Crap, today was going to be a very long day.

Staring. That was all they did while I walked down the hallways toward my locker. As if they felt the pain that I was going through and I tried my hardest not to curse all of them out. They were the reason behind my pain, behind Bennie's pain. They were our bullies, mad at us for God knows what reason, because I was a loner or weird or because he was gay and proud?

I hated all of them, every single one of them. I wished they had switched places with Bennie and it were just he and I walking down theses halls laughing at something ridiculous, but that was impossible. I had to just get used to this new life without him and that was just that.

Slamming my locker door, I was startled at the person behind it. "Hey, Roxanne is it?" Jessica gave me a pat on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for your loss, Benjamin will be missed." "Umm, thank you," I was confused. She hated Bennie and his 'gayness' and now she was apologizing to me. "If you need anything just let me know," she smiled and moved her hand before leaving with her posse. That was definitely weird.

Walking to class, I was relieved to see a substitute. Sitting in the back of the class and took my notes quietly, not letting the stares of others bother me.

"Good morning class, my name is Mrs. Kathleen and I'll be taking over for Mr. Dornan for the remainder of the year. So, I know everyone hates assignments on the first day of school, but I'm not a normal teacher. This will be due tomorrow and it's pretty easy. The assignment is about what you did this summer. It can be about anything and must be pretty descriptive."

Great, well I thought I would be relieved to have a sub, but I guess not. I didn't want to think about this summer and the tragic events that took place. I didn't even want to remember or dream about putting that on paper, I hated this class already. I wanted to go home.

I really wished Bennie was here, I thought looking at his would be empty seat.