Me Without You

Chapter 37

Dear Bennie,

It's been a while. I thought after I left you that voicemail that I would no longer feel the need to write to you, but I guess not. 

I talked to Quinton today and he's a mess. He said he started drinking again and I feel so bad for him. For you, I promised to be there for him because he needs me. It feels good to talk to someone about you that knows you.

I forgave your parents, but I can't talk to them about you, maybe not ever because I haven't completely gotten over your death yet. Maybe I won't ever.

To think that a few months ago, we were planning our grand escape and preparing for college; maybe NYU. I haven't started applying yet, but my mom has been on my ass about it. She has a few applications sitting on my desk and I'm supposed to have them completed, but I have no clue what I want to do. If you were, I'm sure that would have been different. Where ever you would go I would be there, too.

I liked and hated many things and now that I was single, the options were endless. I had everywhere to go, my grades were beyond expectation, all things considered. I had a shaky beginning, but I couldn't continue down a bad path; I worked too hard and now I was salutatorian right behind, Mindy. She was a genius with a 5.0 GPA.

It's crazy that I made these friends and now we were heading our own paths now. I knew in my heart that they were temporary, but it doesn't stop me from being sad. Darian and I are no longer together; he was accepted at Korean University with his brother, Taemin. We decided not to continue with a long distance relationship and I pray that he stays strong and finds someone new; someone that doesn't hurt him to love.

He still calls, but I think he knows that I won't answer. I can't do that to myself, I need to move on once again although I love him with all my heart; it's for the best. Gosh, it's weird writing that I love someone other than you. I remember my first letter introducing you two, and now we're over. It was an epic love.

I miss you, Bennie.

What I miss more than ever is the illusion of our friendship. This journey I have taken to heal has opened my eyes to every aspect of you; the parts I didn't want to acknowledge. You loved someone other than me. You loved me, but was afraid and too confused to confess.

I loved you. I still love you and I think whoever I decide live my life with is going to have to accept that you are going to be with me forever; even in death. I can't believe you're truly gone.

I still have dreams of our moments and I wake up in tears, because you're not here anymore. You're never coming back and the scary thing is, it's becoming more real every day. I know now in my heart that I am learning to accept you as dead and I am terrified of the day that I'll think of you and be...alright.

I don't know, maybe I'm rambling with my words again. I try not to think of the times we could have had. The thought of deciding to go against our better judgments and give us a chance, because it is too painful to believe that we would work. I don't want to even give myself a heart attack, because what would life be if we were...romantic with each other?

Maybe this will be the last letter, I'm not sure. Maybe there will be hundreds of more, I'm not sure and that's the wonderful thing of life. It is so complicated and simple at the same time, so tormenting and addictive.

It is truly a mystery; just like you, Benjamin.

I love you, always. You are my epic love.

Remember that.

Roxie