Me Without You

Chapter 31

"I remember," she smiled and saved her paper work, "when you first came here. How quiet you were. How sad and broken you were. Now," she looked at me, "when I see you, Roxie. I see a survivor."

"Thank you Mrs. Lo," I blushed and she stood and I did the same. "This is always the hardest and yet best part of my job. But remember if you need me you can always come back. But I hope you won't need me." "Me too," I bit my lip as she opened her arms and we hugged.

This was it. 

It was my last therapy session and this was our first time touching each other. "You have grown so much, Roxie. I am so proud of you. I hope you excel in whatever you decide to do."

"Me too, I can't believe I am graduating in a few months," I paused and pulled away, "it's so surreal." "Life does go on, but we can take the memories with us."

"Goodbye," I waved at her as I walked outside, finding Darian waiting for me.

"Hey my love," he grabbed me and twirled me around. He had a few more sessions to go to, but he knew it was my last one so he rescheduled so we could celebrate.

"I am so proud of you," he kissed me and I hugged onto him tightly. I giggled as he let me down and we stared at each other. Being in love was beautiful and terrifying, but like everyone said; it was time I moved on in life.

"Thank you," I blushed as I pulled back and held onto him. "So, what are the plans for tonight."

"I am going to Bennie's house and talk to his parents. It was on my checklist." "Oh," he let me go, "do you want me to go?" "No, it's just going to be and our letters. I am giving them to his parents; because I need to forgive and let go. I need to do this alone."

"You're the bravest person I know," he held my face, "I can drop you there."

It was weird how time changed everything.

Last time I did this; it was in honor of his birthday and now it was in honor of me completing therapy sessions at getting over his death. I was ready now, ever since that trip I had gotten some form of peace.

I knocked on the door and Misty opened it; shocked to see me. I didn't want to let them know I was coming, so that they wouldn't have any excuse.

"Roxie," she started, "I didn't...I wasn't expecting you to ever come back." "Me either," I licked my lips, "may I come in?"

"He's here," she bit her lip, "I don't know if you want..." "Good," I nodded, "I want him to be here. I have to say something and give you guys something. Please."

She moved to the side and let me in as I heard Benjamin approach.

"What's going on...Roxie?" he questioned my appearance and looked down. He couldn't even look at me; I tried to control my anger.

"Benjamin," I nodded and sat down as they followed suit.

I instantly felt his aura appear and I grew content. I was learning to accept that Bennie was with me always; it gave me strength.

"I prepared a speech if I ever saw you again. Or if you allowed me to talk to you, but," he started, but I raised my hands. "Your hands are as clean as mine in what happened to Bennie. Sure things could have been handled differently, but what Bennie did was because of Bennie."

I felt my lip tremble but I took a deep breath as they listened. "WE all miss him," I continued, "and that's never going to change, and although he was hurt and upset I know now that he wouldn't want me to treat you guys like this. Bennie loved you both, he respected your wishes and opinions which was why he kept his life a secret. Why he was terrified of being who he was, but I didn't come here to chastise your parenting. I came here because I am done with hurting. I am here to offer some closure as well."

I pulled out my box and opened it. "Inside are my letters to Bennie. I had to get a therapist due to the fact that I wasn't healing. I attempted suicide and I almost lost my mind, which I am sure is minuscule to what you guys are going through; as his parents, but it doesn't diminish my pain. Included in this box, is what Bennie planned for my birthday. Somethings are very personal and some are just Bennie being his normal goofy self."

I smiled and Misty cleared her throat. "Thank you," she cried, "for being such a good person."

"It's because of Bennie that I am doing this. I am not who you should be thanking." "I understand," she added and wiped her tears.

"There are also videos of him, some you may not agree with, but it is very vital to him. I don't care if you watch and read them or not, but I am giving them to you as the final gift for Bennie. He deserves to be remembered and loved even in death."

"Roxie," Benjamin spoke up, "I-I have no words. The compassion you shown us, thank you," he bowed his head, "I have never felt so much shame. I don't know how to repay you." "Just promise you'll get better. You'll forgive yourself, because I know Bennie has forgiven you." "I don't know if I can, but for Bennie I will try."

"I guess that's what I came for," I stood and walked away from them, "and for this. If you don't mind." I grabbed the picture I stared at when I came for his birthday meal.

"Of course, you can have it," Misty came toward me and she touched my shoulder.

"I hope you really mean you can forgive us," she paused, "because I don't know how I could function in life with this guilt."

I turned to her and saw her pain.

I wrapped my arms around the fragile woman; catching her by surprise. "I will," I answered, honestly.

She squeezed me back and memories rushed toward me. I inhaled her sweet smell and remembered all of the times I visited.

How she talked to me about things I questioned in life when my mom was away at work. How she was as much of my mom as mine was to Bennie. How one drastic night turned our lives upside down and ruined so many relationships.

"I love you, Roxie," she kissed my cheek and I couldn't stare at her face because I wanted to be strong. I didn't want to cry anymore; I was done with it.

"I have to go, but I will try harder to come back."

"Thank you," she smiled. Benjamin walked me outside as Darian exited his car. He decided to wait around just in case things got out of hand.

"I hope you have a long and amazing life, Roxie," he nodded and I turned to him.

"I hope you find that strength for forgiveness, Mr. Benjamin," I nodded at him as we left.

The moment I got inside his car, I let it all out.

I couldn't be strong anymore and somehow no words were needed; Darian held onto my hand and allowed me to sob my ugly tears as I checked off more things on my to do list.

I had a few more things to do, but as for today I was successful and that was good enough for me. I was a survivor and I had to survive a bit longer for Bennie.

You would be so proud, Bennie.