Me Without You

Chapter 35

"You got accepted?" I asked, disbelief written on my face as I looked at him.

"Yeah," he nodded, "I didn't think I was going to make." "Why did you apply then?" I asked, getting defensive really quick. He answered with a shrug as we continued to eat in silence.

"I'm proud of you," I said after a while. "Thank you," he cleared his throat, drinking his water as I stirred my straw.

"Are you going?" I asked and he looked at me, reaching for my hand. "Roxie."

"You're going," I felt my heart drop.

What did that mean?

"It's not until after graduation. We can make it work." "Make it work?" I asked, "Darian, you're going to South Korea. That's across the globe, how can we make it work?" "I don't know, I think we can try."

"Darian," I paused, "let's just finish eat." I realized we were getting a little too loud and people had began to look at us. "I thought you'd be happy for me," he stabbed at his steak, "sorry." "No," I grabbed his hand and forced him to look at me as I forced a smile, "I am happy for you. I am so proud of you and you're getting a full ride. That's awesome. Especially with what you had to go through. I am so fucking proud of you. I'm just in shock is all."

"I know," he rubbed his neck, relaxing a little, "Tae is happy that I'll be with him. I thought my past was going to hinder this, but I'm healing and moving on." "Yeah," I nodded as he squeezed my hand. "You know I didn't mean it like that."

"I know," I held onto his hand, "it's just really big news." "I know," he looked away, "come on."

He raised his hand and paid the bill as we walked out.

"Where are we going?" I asked and he opened the car door as he drove. "Somewhere special."

He parked and I looked around.

"We're at therapy?" I asked and he got out, opening the door for me; grabbing my hand. We walked to the bus stop bench as we sat down.

"Why here?" "This is the first place I saw you and talked to you."

"It is," I smiled, looking around. It felt like ages since we first met. "Even though we've been together briefly, these past months have been the best I've ever experienced and I don't want to let that go, Roxie." "I know, Darian," I turned back to him, "but this won't work. Not while I'm here and you're in Korea." 

"Can't we try?" he asked, "I can't lose you." "I can't lose you, either," I paused, "not when life is going so well." "Please," he begged, getting on the ground and kneeling before me, "Please try." "Darian," I held onto his face, "why fight the inevitable. I don't want you waiting around for me. You'll find someone else." "There's no one else," he spoke so quietly, and I heard his tears.

"Don't do this," I stopped him, "we have until graduation, remember." "That's two months away. That's not long enough."

"I know," I kissed him, "but it was fun, right?" "It was," he chuckled and stood, taking his place beside me. "I'm torn, Roxie. I never thought I would have this amazing opportunity ever. I thought I ruined my future when I made that horrible choice, but I didn't. I was lucky, extremely luck and although I still fight with my impulses and depression; I have to make my life better." "I know," I agreed, "for her."

"Yeah," he sniffled and wiped his face, "I was so excited when I got the news, but then terrified, because I don't know what life is like without you. And I know you're right. I can't ask you to wait for me, because I know you will. You'll let life past you and that's not fair. You deserve a guy that could be there for you twenty four seven."

"Don't get angry," I held onto his hand, but he refused to look at me. "I just don't want anyone to love you like I do. To hold you the way that I do. I want to be your only lover," he paused and licked his lips, "I want to be the only person you moan for."

I listened on and let him pour out his feelings. 

"But that's not fair. I can't have my cake and eat it, too. Because I love you and loving you hurts like hell, especially knowing I have to let you go and you have to let me go."

He stood and so did I.

We held onto each other as if our life depended on it, because it did.

He was an anchor to an alternate universe; where pain didn't exist and if it did, it was brief. It was almost as brief as a scraped knee or a kiss on the cheek.

I didn't want to lose him, but at least we had closure to this beautiful chapter that we shared and would share forever. Because he was my first and nothing would ever change that. He was the first person that made me realize that after pain, healing came and for that I would be forever grateful for this beautiful man.

"Let's get you home."

"Can I spend tonight with you?" I asked, looking up and he nodded. "Please."

We drove home, our hands linked but our minds elsewhere because although it wasn't stated out loud; tonight would be our final night together. Why prolong the inevitable. Especially since understanding was in the air tonight. Tonight we were going to make love once more and then our goodbye would be as permanent as long as he was gone from me.

His mom and dad were already in bed as we sneaked in.

He opened the door and I lied on his bed as he watched me.

"I'm going to miss you," he sat beside me, but I quieted him. We didn't need anymore sad talk, I just needed to feel him as close as possible and he knew that.

"I love you," he said, pulling away and I held onto his face.

"I love you."

It was bittersweet. One of the best nights of my life and it was cemented forever and always.

Loving you, Darian would be the high light of my life and although I was so young, it wouldn't erase the memories we had.

Bennie, you would have loved him.