Counting Stars and Scars {Kellic}

2. Trigger My Nightmare Once Again

{Song- The Divine Zero by Pierce The Veil}

Kellin tries calling me many times that night.

I realize that I should probably pick up, but I really don't feel like it. I'm far too busy wallowing in self-pity.

I also realize I'm making way to big of a deal over this, but I just can't stop myself. 

I've been in love with Kellin since 8th grade.

And now it seems like he doesn't even want to be my friend when he's around Katelynn. I understand she's beautiful, but I don't understand what else Kellin sees in her. From what I've noticed every time I see them together, she treats him like something she can just use and then throw away. It's always homework this, homework that, can you do it for me Kelly-bear, pretty please? And Kellin goes along with whatever she wants, because he's nice like that.

I sigh and throw an arm over my eyes. I'm currently lying on my bed, and it's about 2 in the morning, but I'm still thinking about Kellin.

I'm thinking about how beautiful his eyes are.

I'm thinking about how his voice sounds when he's telling me something he's excited about.

I'm thinking about how I want to wrap him up in my arms and kiss him when he comes to me crying because of something his dad says.

I'm thinking about every little thing I love about him, from his dark hair down to his tattoos that his mother hates so much.

And then I'm thinking about how he'll never think about me the same way, because he's in love with Katelynn.  And just like that, I feel myself slipping back into the same depression that I've dug myself into for the past five years, and it's not pretty.

I'm not even sure why I'm depressed.

Sure, my family could pay a little more attention to me. My school life could be a little better. I could have more friends. It could be a lot of things. But I just wish there was something I could do that would stop the onslaught of terrible feelings that come to me now. Feelings of hate for myself and everything I've ever done, thinking that maybe if I was a little more attractive, or a little more talented, or even a little funnier, Kellin might like me more. Because when it comes down to it, I'm just a worthless, suicidal boy that can't even handle his crush not liking him back.

I mean, I'm suppose to be going off to college next year. Aren't I suppose to be full hopes and dreams about my future? I'm not suppose to be feeling like I'll never go anywhere, like I'd just be better off dead.

Kellin doesn't even know about all of this. He only knows that my family doesn't like me much, and that I could be a little happier, but he has no idea just how far it goes. No one knows.

My phone rings, blink-182's "Dammit" going through my room. I groan, and reach over my bed to pick up the phone from the stand. It was Kellin. Figures.

I decide to answer it. It must be important if he's calling at fucking 2 in the morning.

"What?" I answer in a not very nice tone.

"Vic, thank god."

"Don't thank him yet. What are you doing up at this hour?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"You're the one that called me, so talk."

"What got up your ass?"

I wish you would, I think randomly, and then feel my cheeks heat up. Where the hell did that come from?

"Anyway," Kellin continues when I don't say anything. "I'm really sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to ditch you for Katelynn. I just thought- I mean- you did say you weren't hungry. So I assumed you wouldn't care. I feel awful."

"It's fine," I say. No it's not.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, if you're certain."

"God Kellin, it's fine. Just drop it." It's not fine at all.

There's a silence at the other end.

"Sorry," I say. "I didn't mean to snap."

"It's okay."

"Why aren't you asleep?"

Another pause. "Um. I wanted to apologize... and, well, my parents are arguing again. So it's kind of loud." I can hear the exhaustion in Kellin's voice.

"I'm so sorry, Kells." Kellin's parents fight all the time, and he thinks he's good at hiding how much it bothers him. 

"It's okay. I just kinda wish they would get a divorce already, you know? I'm so tired of hearing all of this. They act like maybe if they can just scream at each other, that'll fix everything. And then Dad takes it out on me."

"I know. You don't deserve that." He really doesn't. Anyone who can't see how amazing of a person Kellin is can fight me. Not like I'd win, but I'd certainly go down with the world knowing how perfect he is.

"But what if I do deserve it?" Kellin's voice is quiet. "I feel like it's my fault their marriage is falling apart. Dad keeps telling me that."

I sit up in bed, a spark of rage going through me, directed at his dad. I hate that guy more then my life, which is saying a lot. "No way, Kells. Listen to me, none of this is your fault, okay? They're the ones that don't know how to love each other right, you have nothing to do with this. Don't let anyone tell differently."

"Thanks, Vic. I really needed that." I can hear him smiling. "You're always there for me."

"Yeah." I'm quiet again. "Anytime."

"You know, you never told me why you're still up."

"No reason. Just can't sleep."

"Okay. You know you can always talk to me, right? You're my best friend, I'll be here."

"Yeah, of course." I don't say how much I hate that term, best friend. I want to be so much more then best friends.

"Good. Anyway. I'll see you tomorrow, I guess. Just so you know, Katelynn might sit with us as lunch, I hope that's okay with you."

My blood freezes. No, no it's not okay with me. "It's fine."

"Awesome. Good night."

"Night." I hang up, and then bury my face in my hands. I hate this feeling so, so much. I just want it to go away.

I make a split-second decision. Sliding off the bed, I stand up and go into my bathroom, opening the drawer where I keep the little box. I roll my sleeves up.

It's been a few weeks since I've done this, but the feeling is just as good as I make the first few cuts on my wrist. It does exactly what I need it to; all the thoughts spinning around in my head come to a standstill. And all I feel is the sweet relief of pain.