Counting Stars and Scars {Kellic}

12. This Is Me With a Knife In the Back

{Song- Yeah Boy And Doll Face by Pierce the Veil}

As I start the walk home that night, I can't stop seeing the possibility of a blissful death in everything I look at.

Car. What would happen in I stepped in front of it?

Railroad. Maybe I could just lay there until a train comes along.

Bridge. Wouldn't it be so easy to just happen to fall off?

It's a vicious cycle.

But I resist all of the temptations.

One more chance, I keep telling myself.

When I finally get home, I find Mike sitting in the living room watching tv. He looks up with a big smile when I enter, but it quickly fades when he sees my face.

"Vic," he says, worried. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I say, but my voice cracks majorly. I clear my throat. "Just a bad day."

He raises an eyebrow. "Wanna talk about it?"

I shake my head. "Tell mom and dad I won't be down for dinner; I had something to eat earlier." Lies.

"Are you sure...?" he trails off.

I nod, quickly. "I just need some time alone, you know?"

He nods too, and I take that as a sign to go up to my room. I feel bad for lying to my brother, but I can't exactly casually tell him that Kellin and I broke up and now I'm contemplating suicide, can I? Maybe that's part of my problem. I expect people to care, yet I don't tell them anything.

----

A little later, as I'm carving my pain into my skin, my phone's text tone goes off a couple times. I look up from where I'm tearing into my thighs with the blade.

How deep can I go before I bleed to death?

I know I told Kellin I'd come to him if this happened again, but he doesn't exactly care anymore, does he? And besides, he's the reason I'm doing it.

Picking my phone up from where it sits on my bed, I look at the texts that popped up just now. There's a couple that must have been from before when I wasn't paying attention.

Kellin:

I'm sorry.

Kellin:

R u ok?

Kellin:

I shouldn't have left you there.

Kellin:

Vic, there's just a lot going on right now, I'm sorry.

Kellin:

Please Vic, tell me ur ok.

The texts are spread out over the last hour since Kellin and I parted ways, the last one just now.

I sigh. He keeps saying he's "sorry," but I don't see an "I still love you" or "I made a mistake come back."

If he's so sorry, why did he break up with me in the first place? I stare at the phone's screen, and then in a fit of rage, I chuck it forcefully across the room. It bounces harmlessly off the wall and falls to the floor. I grab my hair, tugging at it as hard as I can, trying to stop thinking about Kellin. With tears in my eyes, I spin around and pick the blade back up and return it to my skin, sighing with relief at the feeling of numbness.