Counting Stars and Scars {Kellic}

5. You Know You're On My Mind

{Song- Mind Over Matter by Young the Giant}

I wake up in Kellin's arms.

He has his arms wrapped around me tightly like if he moves away even a little bit, I'll be gone. His face is buried in my neck, nose pressing against the underside of my jaw. I smile a little.

It's exactly how I want to wake up every morning.

But my smile fades as I remember the events of last night, all the tears and words exchanged. I feel awful. Kellin was never supposed to know about this, never supposed to worry. It was my secret to keep.

These thoughts continue to pound themselves through my brain, telling me that I should never have let Kellin see the cuts, that I don't deserve him caring about him, that I'm not enough for him, I'll never be enough.

I stare at the ceiling, trying to block out the thoughts. It's the same cycle over and over every day; reminders of my uselessness bombarding me and the urge to make it all disappear rising immediately.

I squeeze my eyes shut.

I can't let my mind go there, not when Kellin is lying right next to me. I remind myself of the look on his face last night, now sad my addiction made him. I have to try to stop, for him.

Just then, Kellin makes a little noise and shifts on the bed, holding me even tighter. I look at his face; it's scrunched up in a frown.

I laugh a little. He always makes that face when he's waking up.

Kellin opens his eyes, looking up at me groggily.

"Why'reyoulaughgnatme?" he mumbles, words barely recognizable.

Because you're cute, I want to say. Instead, I say, "Because you're funny when you wake up."

Kellin sighs sleepily and presses his face against my shoulder. "Wha' time's it?" he asks, voice muffled.

I look over at the alarm clock on the nightstand. "Around 6:30. We have to get up for school soon."

"No."

I laugh at the stubbornness in Kellin's voice. "Yes, Kells. Get up and educate yourself so you can go somewhere in life."

"I don't wanna."

"Well you gotta."

He takes his head off my shoulder. "Can't we just skip today?"

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. It's Friday, and nothing important is happening. We can just stay home and watch Netflix. I mean, you're parents aren't home, are they?"

I sigh. "No, they took Mike to his big football game Thursday. They won't be back until Sunday."

Kellin frowns. "Why didn't you go?"

I bite my lip, not meeting his eyes. "They didn't want me to. Said it was Mike's game, and there was no reason for me to go."

"Didn't you want to support Mike though?"

"Yeah. But it's whatever. Mike said I could just watch one of his games here."

I see a little bit of pity in Kellin's eyes, which is stupid. Sure, my parents don't like me much, but they're not like Kellin's. And at least Mike shows that he cared, sometimes. He's a jock and always gets good grades, so he doesn't have much time for anything else, even though he's only a sophomore in high school; two years younger than me. Which is why he's my parents favorite.

"Oh well," Kellin says, snuggling a little closer to me. "That just means we get the weekend to ourselves, right? So we should skip today."

I hesitate, not wanting to give in just yet. If my parents find out that I missed a whole day of classes, they'll kill me. But as I look at Kellin's puppy-dog eyes pleading with me, I decide that I don't really care. Any time with Kellin is worth dying for, I decide.