letters to him [nh]

november 8th

dear niall,

how do you always manage to get my hopes up, then completely crush them?

i walked into school this morning with a confident smile, so prepared to talk to you.
but all of that confidence soon got shattered when i saw you making out with Alison Carter in the hallway when i was on my way to my locker.
i hadnt even had my first kiss yet. as pathetic as it sounds, i was waiting for you to be my first kiss.
i think i stared at you guys for a while, because when you pulled back for air our eyes immediately locked. before i could see your expression i speed walked to my locker, opening it, and shoving my head inside to try to hide the tears that were making there way into my eyes.
i had my first therapy session tomorrow and you were going to be the first thing i talk about.
you lied to me. you lied straight to my face. was saturday all just a joke to you? did your friends dare you to ask me out?
i was so close to going home, but i didnt. i needed to prove to you that i could be strong. that what you did didnt hurt and like i was in on it the whole time and didnt care. youre a damn good actor. i actually believed that you were interested in me. fuck im such an idiot.
i kept my head down in all of the classes that we had together, and avoided your stares that i felt burn into my skull.
when i was walking to my car, i heard you call my name, but i didnt turn around. i just walked faster.
i never thought that i would be trying to get away from you.
fuck you niall.

-alaska, the girl who still fucking loves you after you tear her heart out and squish it on the ground into a million pieces.

ps. how fucking dare you text me that your sorry. youre not fucking sorry. youre probably going to get me to fall even more in love with you then rip my heart out again. i dont think i could ever trust you. such a shame; after i thought you were going to be the one to break down my walls.