letters to him [nh]

november 9th

dear niall,

therapy was exhausting. immediately after school i drove to my therapists office, and the session lasted about an hour and a half.
my therapist is a nice mid-forties woman named janet miller. she has long brown hair, and has a nice smile.
when i told her about you she smiled, and told me that i was over reacting a bit. she told me that you simply told me that you were taking me out as kind of a favor. she said that is was a dickish thing to do, but who you kiss shouldnt be my concern.
we talked about other things too. we talked about my parents toxic relationship and my older brother who hasnt made contact since the day he left for college two years ago, and about my self hatred and self loathing.
towards the end of the session, janet gave me a prescription for antidepressants. she gave me a hug and told me to stay strong.

over all today was okay. the antidepressants makes everything a little fuzzy, but today was okay.
you tried to talk to me, but i walked away, pretending i didnt notice you. i ate lunch where i always do; at the nearest panera bread and listened to the band sleeping at last. it was quite peaceful. until you walked in of course, hand in hand with alison.
i quickly shoved the rest of my empty bread bowl down my throat and speed walked away.

i hope alison makes you happy. i hope you dont feed her the same bullshit you fed me. i hope you smile at her the same way i caught you smiling at me.

i think im going to skip school tomorrow. ill just give a shitty excuse like the new pills made my stomach hurt.

i still love you. forever and always, right?

-alaska, the girl high on antidepressants just rambling about a boy who could never love her back.