Maybe I'm Insane

Self Destruction

Whenever people refer to self destruction, self harm always comes through my mind. You hurt yourself to feel. You bled to know you alive.

But today I realized somehing different.

I'm self destructive. I had this image that I was kind and helped everyone. Turns out I'' not. I do hurt people, specifically those close to me.

How many arugments do I not apologize for because I feel "hurt". So what if I'm hurt? Was it worth the argument?

I started talking to this man. Not a boy, a man. Yesterday I was sad, depressed to the point of relapse. So I posted a video of my bestfriend and told him to facetime me. I needed the FaceTime. I needed someone who knew about my suicidal tendencies to care for me. I needed someone to save me from myself.

Instead of shit getting better, it got worse.

The guy saw it, assumed he was a guy I was talking too and basically called me out on it.

I was hurt. Instead of just defending myself I yelled. I was angry. I was feeling shit about myself and reached out for help and in return, life shits on me. I basically got the word whore thrown at me.

To be honest I miss him. To be honest I may have exploded. To be honest I just want to feel normal. To be honest being called like a hoe by someone you care about hurts. To be honest I'm tired. I self harm it's wrong. I cry it's wrong. I ask for help, shit goes wrong. I'm just overwhelmed by so much.

Was I in the wrong?

Should I have just let it go?

Let him think what he wanted?

Did me trying to prove my character help...

or did I just self destruct again.

What else is fucking new