Time of the Year

2

The closer Christmas got the further Jacob sunk and the more time he spent in the pub. He would sit hunched over a large tumbler half filled with a golden liquid that warmed this throat as he sipped it down.
Temptation crossed his path, turned his head and smiled at him from the corner of the bar, a beautiful blonde that made him question his moping. A smirk teasing his lips for the first time in forever was soon quashed by the sight of a brunette walking passed, they brought thoughts of Connie slamming back into the forefront of his mind.
Gulping down the reminder of his drink he went home alone.
Tomorrow was Christmas eve.
...
Jacob worked hard, kept his head down and did his job avoiding the frivolity of the rest of the staff. They were light hearted and plotting festivities in the pub across the road at the end of shift, his hopes of drowning his sorrows in peace and quiet scuppered.
He'd contemplated lying, telling them he needed to leave and to travel to his family home, spending Christmas with his nearest and dearest was a acceptable excuse for not attending. His desire to be alone at a all time high.
"You should join us." Charlie said beside him as if he could read his mind, as if he knew Jacob was rehearsing the lie he was about to tell.
"I'm not in the mood-" "-one drink...I'm buying." The senior nurse butted in, cutting Jacob's lame and tired excuse short. Charlie was insistent and Jacob had neither the energy or the heart to fight him.
"One drink." Jacob agreed with a sigh.
...
He pushed open the pub door, an almost harsh heat warmed him instantly from his slow meandering walk across the car park. Stalling the inevitable. Putting off the fake smile he knew he'd have to wear.
They all looked so happy as they laughed and joked together, he decided then and there that this wasn't the place for him. He would bring people down and that wasn't fare, that wasn't his style so he pushed his way back out into the cold.
And there she stood, across the street with arms wrapped around herself for warmth as fluffy white flakes started to fall from the sky. She didn't seem as surprised as he was sure he looked, never did he imagine she'd seek him out yet here she was purposefully walking towards him.
She was nervous, he could tell. She had something to say and he felt certain it was either going to make him or break him, there's never been anything in between when it came to the enigma that was Connie Beauchamp. She had his heart placed firmly into he palm of her hand from the day she cheated him out of an arm wrestle win. She was different, wonderfully so.
Her hair is shorter but she's the same feisty woman that challenged him daily and she looked amazing, well rested and unburdened like she'd made a decision. A decision she'd come to share with him, he only hoped she hadn't come to say goodbye for good, that she wouldn't be returning to the E.D. He prayed it wasn't that.
"Hi." She said tentatively, unsure of the reception he would give her. And after the way she had treated him, Jacob wasn't sure either.
"Hi." He repeated back to her not giving anything away. No clue as to what he was thinking or feeling. Whatever she needed to say, he'd resolved not to make it easy for her.
"I'd like to talk..." She said with a shiver, the cold had obviously made short work of her blue coat and scarf. "...can we talk?"
"I didn't think we had anything to talk about." As hard as he tried his voice betrayed him, with all the willpower he had in him he couldn't keep the bite from his voice. He didn't want her to see his pain or what she could do to him with very little effort and he definitely didn't want to show her that he was still pined for her.
"Say what you need to say and leave me be..." He offered with more control. It was harsh he knows but he'd leant a thing or two about self preservation thanks to this woman. "...you've pushed me away twice now, I'm not in the mood for anymore of your games." His words colder than the night.
He watched as Connie nodded her understanding. "No more games..." She moved a step closer, away from the road and into the glow of fairy lights coming from the pub. "...I wanted to explain...the last thing I wanted was for us to end up like this...I never wanted this."
"You could have fooled me..." Jacob snapped. "...you seemed very sure of yourself when you dumped me in the middle of the E.D." He half expected her to walk off in a huff saying she tried, avoiding the difficult confrontation, but she remained. Unfazed she stood there, calmly choosing her next words.
"I was wrong and I couldn't see passed my own anger, I was angry at myself...I blamed myself."
"For what...the crash?" He checked.
"I was convinced I should have seen it coming...that I could have done something to prevent it..." She took a breath, a cloud of vapour left her lips as she let out the warm air. "...you were my punishment."
"Excuse me?" Jacob frowned.
"I didn't think I deserved your comfort, your support...so I made sure you didn't give it..." She looked him straight in the eye. "...I couldn't see passed my own red mist...I couldn't see how it was effecting you too...I'm so sorry...I know it doesn't come close to fixing this...if it's even possible that is...but I needed you to know...that I really am sorry."
Jacob said nothing, he didn't know what to say. His heart was telling him to hug her, to wrap his arms around her and never let go. His head was a different matter altogether, it painfully reminded him of the last two months, in all his life, even in his miserable school days he'd never felt that low. He given her his heart and she'd tossed it to one side without understanding what it really was.
"Why now..." Jacob could feel exhaustion tugging at him. "...after all this time...Why now?
He watched as she struggled, she wasn't expecting him to question her motives, she probably wasn't expecting the conversation to last this long. "I erm..." She sigh. "...with nothing else to focus on...I've been...I've had time to think and...well Grace said she's fed up with seeing me sulking..." Connie gave him a coy smile. "...her and Sam practically kicked me out of my own home and told me to come and find you."
Her words did nothing to sooth him. It should have done, to know that she was missing him too but it didn't. All he heard was that she was forced here by Sam. Was she even here for the right reasons, did she want to be here at all.
"He's been spending time with Grace...He goes back to New York boxing day." She said feeling the need to explain as if she'd heard his dark thoughts.
Looking up to the sky, Jacob watched the large flakes of snow tumble down, it was falling thicker and faster now and he wonders how long they've been stood there. The car park white over and undisturbed, for a fleeting moment he thinks that that won't last long.
"Say I did forgive you..." wondered Jacob out loud, breaking away from his daydream. "...what would change?"
"What?" She asked, not quite hearing him, lost in her own rambling thoughts.
"How would this time be any different...twice things have got difficult and twice you've pushed me away...I can't keep doing this Connie...it hurts to god damn much!" He could feel his anger once again bubbling up.
He could see she was trying so hard to formulate a valid response, something that would appease him and be the truth all at the same time. There wasn't one.
This was his que to leave, he didn't want to lash out and no matter what she'd done to him, he didn't want to hurt her either.
He started to walk.
"Jacob!" She called after him.
"Get home Connie before this show gets any worse...drive safe." He called over his shoulder before he was gone from view.