Time of the Year

3

He trudged through the snow cursing his rash decision, in his haste he'd walked away from Connie and his car parked up outside the hospital. Now ten minutes into his walk home the cold had calmed his frustrations, could he really walk away from her. Even with the almost certainty of history repeating its self could he let her go?
He imagined his life without her. He imagined working along side her and not having that closeness. Not having the right to brush his fingers against hers as she walked passed or barge into her office with food and coffee insisting she takes a break.
But most of all he thinks he'd miss making her smile, that cheeky giggle that's so out of character, it didn't fit her strict no nonsense personality she had on display at work. In private she was so different, playful and loving.
Jacob let out a chuckle as happy memories flooded over him. Shaking his head he brought himself back to the present and stopped in his tracks.
Looking up and down the street he couldn't believe he'd walked here, without thought or conscious decision he stood across the road from Connie's home.
His cold knuckles stung as he tapped them against the door, right up until it was pulled open he doubted his decision, second guessing himself. He obviously hadn't thought properly about his actions and he had no idea what he would say or what he wanted the outcome to be.
He was grateful when she stepped aside letting him into the warmth. "Did you walk all the way here?" She looked him over, worry evident on her features.
"Ye." He said with no more explanation, he had none to give. He just followed her into the kitchen where she poured him a hot drink.
His hot drink.
"I can't promise you what you need me too Jacob..." She admitted sadly before scooping up her own drink and retiring back to the living room and the cosy pit she'd made herself on the sofa.
The electric fire flickered on the wall, the tv paused mid film and the delicate fairy lights on the tree danced in the corner of the room. "...I've spent as long as I can remember being my own judge and jury..." She added throwing him one of the blankets she'd been using. "...it's my default...even as a child I'd rely on me and no one else...it was safer that way...there was less disappointment."
Jacob sits down on the end of the sofa, his elbows resting on his knees as he cradles the steaming mug of coffee between his chilled hands. He knows she has every right to feel the way she does with the amount of people that have let her down. "I'm not them." He mumbles just as much for him as her.
"I'm not saying you are..." She almost whispered. "...I'm just saying I've spent a long time dealing with things in my own way...I don't know how to let people in, especially when I feel responsible."
"The crash wasn't your fault." He insisted.
She only nodded her acknowledgement, he could tell for whatever reason she'd drawn a line under the whole tragic event. Maybe it was because Grace was home and doing well or maybe it was the verdict, Steph Simms was found guilty and had excepted the blame sat squarely at her feet. Whatever the reason Jacob was glad of it.
The silence ate at him as words failed them both, did they really have so little to say on the matter.
"I saw you outside the courthouse." She stated trying to make conversation.
"I don't know why I came." He's talking about here, now and she know it too.
"I'm glad you did..." She tells him. "...I'm not asking you to forget and I'm certainly not asking for us to pick up were we left off...I'm just...I'd just like for us to be friends at least...to take it from there...I'm due back to work new years day..." She stalls for a moment. "...I didn't want to just turn up without letting you know."
"Oh right...so this is about making your path back into work a cake walk...appeasing the jilted boyfriend...making sure he toes the line." He let out an ironic chuckle.
"No..it's not!" Hissed Connie and he can see the shock on her face, that he would even think that of her. But this is what she drove him too, this cynical outlook and he questions whether he can give her what she's asked of him. Could he really be civil, could he move on from all the heartache or will it gnaw at him each and every time he sees her.
"I miss you." Came her quite voice.
He thought he'd imagined it until he felt the sofa move and her shoulder brush against his. "I've missed you so much...and I could never find the words to explain how sorry I am for how I treated you."
She's being sincere he knows that so he offers her the only comfort he can. Placing his cup on the low table in front of them he put his arm around her shoulders, letting her lean into him. No more words were needed, she knew they were by no means fixed but it was a start. It was a truce and that was enough for both of them for now.
She slept on his chest that night, both wrapped in a blanket with the fire on low and the tree lights casting a warm glow over them.
A the first break of day he eased himself out of her tight grip and left. To be there when she woke would give her false hope and that would be cruel.
Jacob retraced his steps from the previous night back to the E.D to start his shift. Yes, he'd volunteered to work Christmas day, he'd felt it more productive than drowning his sorrows. Maybe next year he would take the day off, maybe next year he'd have someone to spend it with.