Dreaming of Alten

Chapter 18. Real Life

"Are you okay?" says Lily, before I've even had time to sit down at our usual table in the cafeteria.

I look at her, confused. "I'm fine," I say. "Why are you asking?"

"Well, for starters, someone said you ran out of Ms. Brennan's class and didn't come back, and a couple of girls said they saw you crying in the bathroom, and Kimberly is telling everyone that you're on drugs or something."

"Oh." I sit on the chair beside hers and dump my messenger bag on the floor.

"Yes. Oh. What's going on? Did something happen?"

I pick at the food on my plate. "I got some bad news," I say. It's not the whole truth, but it's not entirely a lie either.

"Oh no! What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I spear a potato and put it in my mouth.

"Uh, no, Ash, I'm your best friend, and you're going to tell me what's going on."

I pretend to be chewing on the potato, but after a while there's nothing left to chew on, and I can feel Lily's accusing eyes fixed on my face. "It's nothing."

Lily pulls my tray away from me just as I'm about to spear another potato. "No," she says. "You are not eating until you tell me. What is going on?"

"Okay, fine," I say. "I just found out that this guy I know died." I feel a huge rush of relief after I say it. Again, it's not an outright lie, but it's also not the entire truth. But who would believe me if I were to tell the truth? It sounds crazy even inside my head.

Lily puts her hand to her mouth. "Oh, Ash, I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?"

"Yeah," I say. My voice is a mere whisper, and I can feel the tears starting up again. "We were really close. We were really good friends. His name was Alten." I look straight at Lily as I say this, hoping for some sign of recognition, some hint that she knows him, something that tells me that I'm not alone in all of this.

But nothing in Lily's face changes. She's clearly never heard the name before. "I'm so sorry," she says again. "I shouldn't have asked." She puts her arms around me and gives me a hug. I accept it woodenly. "Here," says Lily, pushing my tray back towards me.

I push the tray away. I don't feel like eating anything anymore.

"Are you okay?" asks Lily. She looks sad and sympathetic.

"Not really," I say. I feel embarrassed now. I wish there were some way to shift her focus off of me. Jacob might be a complete jerk, but there's never been a time when I've wished more that he would walk past us right now and take some of Lily's attention away from me.

"Do you want to go home?"

I put my face in my hands and shake my head. The last thing I want is to be home by myself, thinking about Alten and all the things that might have been. I'm already dreading what will happen when I go to sleep tonight.

"Are you sure?" Lily says hesitantly.

"Yes," I say, through my fingers.

"Is there somewhere else you'd like to go?"

I realize that there is. And Lily is the perfect person to take me there. I nod.

~

Lily doesn't say anything. She doesn't ask any questions. She doesn't even turn on the radio. The silence in the car is almost awkward, and several times I consider saying something, but I can't think of anything to say.