Dreaming of Alten

Chapter 20. Real Life

I stumble into the lobby with only a vague recollection of how I got there. Lily's still sitting in the chair I left her in. She was looking down at something on her phone, but the moment I walk into the lobby she raises her head and looks straight at me like we're telepathically connected.

She jumps to her feet and comes running over to me right away. "Ash! What happened? Are you okay?"

I shake my head. I try to speak, but the words can't seem to come out. I feel empty inside, like there's a huge hole in my stomach sucking all the life right out of me. I feel like someone has just hit me and given me a concussion.

"Ash! Talk to me!"

I finally find some words to say. "I think I'm sick."

"What do you mean? Ash, you're scaring me! What's going on? What's all this about?"

I shake my head again. "I can't tell you," I whisper. It must be the only time I've said those words to Lily ever since we became friends. But there is no way I can explain any of this to her without sounding like I'm totally insane. And even if she does believe me, how can it help? Alten's gone. Everything I had with him is gone. There's nothing I can do about that.

I can feel Lily's eyes on my face. I don't have to look at her to know that she's trying to think of something to say. She must feel hurt right now, wondering if I'm not telling her everything because I don't trust her.

"It's not because I don't want to tell you," I say, keeping my eyes fixed on the ground. I can't look at Lily right now. "I just can't. I'm so sorry." It's painful to have to say those words to my best friend. She's been there for me all day, not asking any questions, just going along with what I need. She has a right to know. But I just can't tell her.

There's a long silence between us. I wonder if Lily is going to walk away and just leave me here. But instead she puts her hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, Ash," she says. Her voice is gentle. "You don't have to tell me anything if you're not ready to."

I'm so overwhelmed with relief that for a second I lose the ability to speak again. I glance up at Lily. I thought she'd look disappointed or hurt, but all I can see in her face is concern and sympathy. "Really?" I whisper. "You're not mad?"

"I don't know what there is for me to be mad about," says Lily, shrugging her shoulders like it's no big deal. "You're my best friend. You've always been my best friend. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm here if you need anything, okay? You can tell me whatever you want whenever you want."

I throw my arms around her and give her an impulsive hug. "You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that. You're the best friend ever."

Lily hugs me back. "I know I am," she says. "Come on, let's get home."

~

"Do you think I'm crazy?" I ask Lily, as we drive away from the hotel. I never want to see the place again, but I can't help staring into the rearview mirror as we leave. "I mean, the way I've been acting, and the stuff today...I wouldn't blame you if you did."

Lily takes a minute to think about it. "I wouldn't say crazy," she says finally, wrinkling her nose. "I mean, yeah, it's weird, but it's obvious that you've got some sort of reason behind what you do, like a thought process. But I'll let you know when you hit my line for crazy."

"Thanks."

We drive on in silence for a while. It's a comfortable silence this time, not an awkward one. I stare out of the window, lost in my own thoughts.