i cut again. i was doing good but maybe recovery just isn't for me. maybe i'm not worth getting better.
i can't even begin to explain why i cut again so much was happening in my head at once i can't wait for these meds to start working but this time i was smart. on my wrists are scars this time i cut my thighs so frank or josh or anyone wouldnt know i cut again
nobody can know. i'm afraid someone will find this and read it. but at the same time i don't have the energy to care. i just wanna be happy i'm trying so hard why am i not happy???
"why am i not happy?" i whispered into the dark morning.
it was 3am i had gotten maybe an hour sleep and it didn't look like i'd be trying to go back to sleep
"i'm trying why isn't it working?" i whispered knowing i wouldn't get any answers back
"why?"
because your not worth being happy. people get what they deserve you don't deserve to be happy
i had almost forgotten what his bitter voice sounded like
"what did i do?"
you don't have to do anything. your a worthless person you should cut again, but at the same time the next cut you do should be the one that ends your life
"but i'm going to get better"
why do you think that?
"because i'm starting therapy and the medication will start to work soon"
will you survive long enough to see them work?
"y-yes." i stopped talking in a whisper. blurry face was almost starting to be my friend again
you and everyone around you will be so much happier with you dead and gone
"but you said that last time and it turned out to be a lie"
i wouldn't lie to you tyler
my name rolled off his tongue, into the darkness and made its way into my ears
"will i ever be happy?"
you'll be happy when your dead and gone
"how do you know that?"
i just do
"but-"
tyler you have to trust me we're friends and we've been friends for a long long time. just trust that i know what's best for you
"what are you saying?"
you need to die to be happy
i took each word into consideration
and there's no time like the present
"but what if frank hears me"
he won't. he's asleep
"are you sure i'll finally be happy?"
i'm certain.
just go into the bathroom take the blade and cut your wrist vertically. make sure it's deep. you can't survive if you do it right
"okay"
so what are you going to do friend?
"be happy, i'm finally going to be happy. i'm going to kill myself and do it right this time."
i stood up and opened the door
"no you're not." said franks silhouette
"frank?"
"i was already awake and heard you talking"
"oh uh i-"
he took my wrist and led me back into bed. then he left into his room.
he then came back with a pillow and blanket which he set on the floor
"i'm sleeping in here you're gonna make it through the night and you're going to be happy soon. killing yourself won't help anything."
"thank you frank"
"you're welcome ty"
"i love you thanks for being my best friend"
"i love you too. goodnight"
