Frank and i walked home quietly, i felt bad for not talking to pete but i didnt know what to say.
"im going to gerards for dinner if you want you can come i wasnt sure if you would want to" frank looked over at me
"thanks but i think i might just see what josh is doing it feels like forever since weve hung out just me and him"
"sounds good"
-
i texted josh if he wanted to hang out and he said i could come over whenever, i asked if now was good he said sure. so off i was to my boyfriends house
the walk isnt too long and the air is a bit cool when i get there i barely knock and he opens the door smiling from ear to ear
"hi tyler"
"hey" i smiled back at him confused why he seemed so excited to see me
we went down the the basement and sat on the couch he held my hand and asked how my day was
my heart fluttered at holding the most perfect boy in the worlds hand
"it was okay, did you hear what happened with pete?" i said getting it out of the way
"yeah, he told me about that. he was worried about you"
i didnt know what to say to that i just kinna shrugged and looked down at my sweater sleeves
"are you okay?" he gently squeezed my hand and i took it back, letting go and he frowned
"im fine, just kinna embarrassed after the thing with pete" im tired of getting asked if im okay i just want a normal happy life where im okay and people dont need to ask to know.
he started to say something then the doorbell rang
"im sorry" josh said trying to hide a smile as he got up to go answer the door.
i picked at the thread on the end of my sweater sleeve, i pulled it and the string got longer
everything
feels
slow
i had the weirdest dream last night that my mom was alive and saw my arm, she asked where i got those cuts. i said frank got a new dog that scratches people. she acted like she believed me when really she knew how they got there.
i went to go take a shower but i had all my clothes on, the water made them heavy, i sat down as the water poured on me i pulled down my sleeve and cut vertically down my wrist, it was deep and as blood gushed out of the cut, water washed it away
then i woke up
i pulled at the string then tugged it so it wasnt attached to my sweater anymore
josh came back down the stairs and i started to wrap the thread around my finger
"hey" oh god.
i looked up and beside josh was of course pete giving me a pity smile. i wish people would stop doing that
"hi" i sighed
"pete was gonna come over tonight then you asked to hang out and i thought it was the perfect opportunity to clear things up" josh was trying to make things better but all i heard was i interrupted them hanging out
"im sorry pete" i didnt know what else to say, i didnt mean to mess things up even though i had just met him
he hates you
my head felt foggy as blurryface spoke to me again, everything feels so far away
"dont be sorry tyler you didnt do anything" but you did "i should've seen you didnt want to talk about it im sorry i kept pushing you"
you messed up what could have been a good friendship but hes better off without you anyway, everyone is better off without you. now you made him think he did something wrong when he didnt do anything
you should just leave him alone. pete deserves better. josh deserves better. ryan deserved better
you made him do that
