heres the update im sorry it took so long
i havent been doing well but after the comments i thought i should update, i hope youve had a lovely day and thank you for reading and putting up with the slow updates i appreciate it. (:
ryans been on my mind lately.
its been getting warmer and starting to feel like spring, its damp outside as the rain falls down it still all feels so slow
it taps against the window as i tug on a sweater and dry my hair from my brisk morning shower, my head feels foggy and my heart feels heavy. blurryfaces voice echoed in my head
you made him do that.
sitting on the bed i think of how i didnt know ryan long but he made an impact on my life. now things wouldnt be the same
i wish i didnt always feel this way
i breathed steadily and closed my eyes, it was quiet all i could hear was the rain and the faint whispers of blurryface.
i just sat there for a while
its like everything is happening so fast but im in slow motion, my thoughts are cloudy and i dont know what to do.
i stood up and kept a steady pace walking into the hall, down the stairs, to the door, i put on my shoes and was out the door.
its a saturday morning, im wearing yesterdays jean with some money in the pocket.
i look down at my old beaten up converse and think of how things changed since i first got them. how ive changed. im lost in my thoughts but everything is so unclear i can barely think. its not anything that makes sense but does it have to? does anything really have to make sense?
i find myself at a small flower shop and i buy a few white roses and one yellow rose. i like to think he likes yellow.
i pay and try not to make eyecontact with the lady working behind the counter.
her dark hair matches her eyes and it reminds me of him
she asks how i am and i just smile id rather not talk
i leave with roses in hand and dont even think of where im going
ryan ross was special and really deserved more than what he got in life. and i really miss him. but i cant help but feel selfish because it shouldnt miss him this much, i have the most caring and wonderful best friend and the most lovely and sweet boyfriend. and im even more selfish for playing myself as the victim, i hadnt even known him long but that didnt stop the pain. nothing would.
the only thing wrong is me
i am the problem in my life.
i start to feel dizzy so i stop thinking and count my steps
1
2
you
3
4
5
made
6
him
7
8
do
9
10
that
11
12
13
14
15
-
i griped the roses tightly in my hand even though there were thorns
it hurt but i deserve to be hurt
i keep looking down at my shoes walking on the damp road
then shortly after on wet grass
then on a path
then the old shoes stop moving
and here i am
with him
again
here lies george ryan ross III
