hello lovely people reading my story i know based on the content this is one big trigger warning of a story but please. don't read if
you'll be triggered
i need to get better for josh
i just had a bad day but i'll be okay. i'm okay.
josh slept over to make sure i was okay. he's so thoughtful.
you don't deserve him
i really dont.
i look in the bathroom mirror, inspecting the heavy bags under my eyes from the horrible sleep i got last night.
i take my medication
you should take all the pills
i take the appropriate dosage
you should've taken all the pills
i need to work past the dumb little voice in my head for josh and frank.
i need to work past the dumb little voice in my head for myself.
this is for me. so i can be a better person for me. i'm trying so hard why can't things just work out
my heart starts to race
you should've taken all the pills
this is so hard it's just easier to listen but its not what i want
what do i want
to die
to cut
to throw up
to stop existing
to stop breathing
cut
i try to steady my breathing but it doesn't work i'm just so overwhelmed
everything needs to stop
everything needs to stop
you need to stop existing
you need to cut
things will get better if you just listen. all this badgering and annoyance can finally stop
you need to cut
if that's what will end it. that's so easy
i dont know how long it's been since i last cut. it feels like yesterday was a whole life time of feelings and sadness and hurt
just one little cut.
just one little cut.
it will always just start with one, like everything. but sometimes you get an addiction, and overcome it. but the want will always be there. it's an addiction after all, and once it starts with one, it's so easy to give in
"what did you do!!? tyler!!!"
i open my eyes to see frank whisper shouting at me.
"tyler please why would you do this. tyler talk to me i'm sorry if i haven't been here for you" he starts to panic, he closes the door not wanting to wake anyone. he joins me on the floor.
"shhhhh" i touch a finger to his lips. "it was just a little cut but then he wanted more. but then i wanted more."
a tear falls onto my hand, it's franks
"no you can't be doing this tyler. we love you and you're worth so much more. did you want me to call
your therapist?"
he's trying so hard for me.
"no it's okay i'm on new medication to help with everything it's just hard i'm sorry. please don't tell josh i don't want him to think of me differently" i'm ashamed to look back down at my arm where scars have been opened and new ones join the sad family.
frank looks like he's at a loss for words
i start to cry. "please don't tell josh" i whisper
"you need to talk to him. but more importantly you need to talk to someone and feel comfortable. i'm not going to force you to do anything." he puts his hands on my shoulders making me look at him. "you're my best friend and i'll do anything for you, you just need to talk to me okay. about anything you don't need to worry about being embarrassed or sad just please tyler."
i nod my head and close my eyes tightly as tears drip from my eyes
"i'm so sorry. frank. thank you for being here for me"
he helps clean me up and gives me a light long sleeve shirt so i don't get too warm in the summer heat with a sweater.
getting my own apartment was stupid anyway. i need my friends more than anything right now.
