Abuse is an issue often whispered about in corners, or hidden behind through romantic movies and music. Depicted as the new normal, very few stand against it. This month we step out out of the shadows and we shine light on this topic that often leav...
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Imagine this:
You're in college. You come home from the library to find your roommate furiously dabbing makeup on their wrist and trying now to cry.
You're a teenager. Your friend is in a new relationship and it seems pretty at first. Then they start pulling away from you and spending more time with their significant other. They call you one night and tell you that their significant other won't let them see you. They tell that they're staying in the relationship only out of fear.
You're an older sibling. Your younger sibling cowers in fear now at the sight of men/women. They wake up screaming at night and pretend nothing's wrong in the morning. They seem depressive and flinch when you try to surprise them happily.
You're a parent. Your child tells you; Mummy, Daddy. A strange person touched me. And I'm scared.
Or maybe it's someone else altogether. Your older sibling. Your cousin. Your neighbour. Your teacher. Your thrice-removed aunt.
Maybe it's something else. They're not scared, but they develop tics and wear makeup and have unprecedented panic attacks. They disguise themselves to go out in public. They purchase a hunting knife and shiver when it's taken away.
While these situations may not be all that similar, they all predominantly showcase one thing; abuse. If you are fortunate enough not to experience personal abuse in your lifetime, statistics show that it's still very likely that you will or do know somebody that has been abused. However, a large number of these victims will attempt to cover up what's happening to them until it goes away or is too late to do anything. According to NAASCA, two-thirds to ninety-percent of sexual abuse victims alone will never speak of it. Unfortunately, the latter is most common, which is why this is important.
If you fear that someone close to you may be abused, the important thing to do is not ignore it. Most forms of abuse can up to some point be lethal, and while the abuser may have never laid hands on them (verbal abuse or emotional abuse), you need to remember that there's still a possibility of it happening, and even if it doesn't, it will still likely have long-lasting, drastic effects. The phrase sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt may ring a bell to some of you, but please do not believe it. Words can hurt, and most of the time, they will.
But here's a bit of a guide on what to do if you think that someone may be abused.
[IF YOU ARE FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT SOMEONE IS IN GRAVE AND IMMEDIATE DANGER DUE TO ABUSE, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL THE EMERGENCY HOTLINE IN YOUR COUNTRY AND ALERT EMERGENCY PERSONNEL IMMEDIATELY]
First of all, see if you can narrow down what may be happening. Ask yourself these questions and try to determine the most specific situation before letting anyone know of your concerns.
QUESTIONS:
Have they told you explicitly that they're being abused?
Are there any fairly obvious cues that show that they may be abused—like bruises?
Do you know, or have a pretty good idea of what type(s) of abuse may be happening? (eg. Verbal, Physical, Sexual, etc.)
Do you know, or have a pretty good idea of whom is abusing/has abused them?
If so, are you aware of the relationship these two people have and have met the possible abuser?
Do you know if the abuse was a one-time thing, or if it continues to this day?
Once you have answered as many questions as possible, conduct research. If you know/are fairly certain what type of abuse it is/could be, search for resources in your local area that may help with it. For example, if it is abuse within a marriage of two of your friends, and the woman is being abused, then there's probably a women's shelter close by. CPS (Child Protective Services) is a present organization in most countries, and will help with everybody under the age of eighteen.
But before contacting any agencies or shelters, see if you can talk to the person that you think may be being abused. While there are a few situations where you may not be able to talk to them; a controlling partner or parent being the most likely, it's usually a good idea to talk it over and ask them what may be happening. However, if you fear that someone is in grave and immediate danger, do not hesitate to contact the emergency telephone number in your country and alert personnel that will be able to help.
If you are able to talk to them, be direct. This is a sensitive topic and while it would be nicer to treat it as such, it is also explicably urgent. If you think you know the approximates of what may be happening (which you can narrow down in an article by the lovely @ShadowsWithinMe), tell the person this.
It's best if your conversation can be private and in a nonthreatening space. Take the time to sit down with them, reserve a little while to talk on the telephone, or otherwise communicate. Make it as personal as possible, so if you have the choice between meeting in person or a call, try to arrange a meeting in person.
Try not to come directly out with the question, but exchange hello's, nice to see you's, and then settle into it.
In this conversation--even if you're completely sure who it is--don't talk about anybody but them unless they bring it up. So what I mean with this is not to bring up anyone's name of who you may think may be abusing them to start with unless they bring them up or ask you who you think it is.
Here, the conversation can go one of two ways; (i) they say yes, so-and-so is abusing/has abused me, or (ii) they say no, nobody's abusing me. No matter what they say, if you feel concerned and fairly sure that they could be being abused, contact a national helpline or service in your country.
If they do admit that they are being abused, see if you can convince them to tell someone. The upside to this is that there is a clear defendant in the case of court trials or otherwise justice. With any form of physical or tangible abuse (Financial Abuse, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, most cases of Child Abuse, etc.), contacting the police is a good idea, and contacting online resources or center for any form of abuse that is not clearly tangible (most cases of Verbal Abuse, Psychological Abuse, Emotional Abuse etc.) is good as well.
The bottom line to this all is that we cannot clearly instruct you what to do about this, except inform and do your best to protect. There are too many kinds of abuse to have a clear diagram of what works best to stop it. The only thing that we can say reliably is that if you have the slightest idea that someone is being abused, it's best to let someone know and potentially suffer the consequences of what would happen if it was a false alarm instead of abuse instead of potentially suffering the FAR MORE serious consequences of what would happen if you were correct.
