A Life Wasted

Hard Reality

This next section involves the time from July 1999 through October 1999. This wasn't a good time for me. I was so messed up mentally and emotionally that I wasn't thinking clear. As a result, I am unsure of the sequence of some of the things that happened. Also, you will notice that some of the things I did were pretty stupid. Meaning, more stupid than my normal stupid things to do. Even viewed from the perspective of a fugitive on the run I did things everyone will wonder about. As I said, I wasn't thinking clear. I will give some details here, but some of this is going to be a little disjointed.

Before the big police chase, I had lied to Mary about what I was doing. She had no idea that I was breaking the law much less that I had it in for abortionists. I knew she would be worried the first night when I didn't call home. The one thing I had always been consistent on was calling home every night, so having not called would leave her worried. After four nights had passed I felt sure she would have been contacted by the police and she'd have an idea of what had happened. Even then all she would know is that I had been chased into the woods and had gotten away. Most women would be worried about their husband being all alone in the woods like that but I knew Mary wouldn't worry about me being in the woods. She knew I could handle that part just fine. At that point, she would stop being worried and become mad at me. So after surviving that first night in the woods and getting away my attention turned to calling home. I needed to contact Mary to let her know I was okay but also to tell her what had happened before the police did. As things worked out I wasn't able to call until four days later. By that time Mary had gone through being worried to being mad back to being worried again.

After four days I was concerned about a tap and trace on the phone so I had to be careful how I made that phone call. Recall that I am fairly adapt with technology. Before making that call I gave some thought to how to call home in such a way that the cops couldn't trace the call. What I came up with was fairly simple, but also extremely effective. Because it worked so well I am not going to describe here how I did this. I'm only holding back this information because it is not my intention to train criminals in avoiding the cops. After my arrest, I did explain to the FBI how I made calls they couldn't trace. They'd already figured out how I made the calls, but they still couldn't trace them.

So I called home. I expected Mary to be really upset with me but my wife was clearly relieved to hear from me. I would have rather she screamed at me for being such a jerk, but that's not her way. This is tied to why I was so messed up at this point. After a few minutes I made an excuse and got off the phone. I desperately wanted to talk to my wife more but my pain was too great. At that point I couldn't stand myself, which got worse with every caring word she uttered to me. Mary's unconditional love had finally broken through to me. The reality of what I had done to her nearly destroyed me in that moment.

For once in my life I really believed I was trying to do the right thing, but in doing that, I had again let me family down. I couldn't go home, thus again leaving Mary and our children in a terrible situation. I understood then that I had done something horribly wrong. Up until the point where the helicopter had me surrounded in the woods none of what I had been doing was real to me. This is a difficult thing for me to understand much less explain, but up until that point, none of it was real to me. Even when I had seven police cars chasing me it didn't seem real. It wasn't until I realized that the cops would search the Yukon and find out who I was that it all became real. Because it was at that point that Mary would find out. It was almost like I believed that if I could keep it from her, it wasn't real.

If I could have called a do over at that moment and gone home like nothing had happened, then I would have abandoned the whole anti-abortion thing. I would have finally straightened my life out and never went astray again. I believed that then and I still believe it today. It was at that moment that I finally understood the difference between doing whatever I wanted to do and doing what my family needed. Yet the reality I was forced to face was that it was too late. I couldn't call for a do over. I had made a horrible mistake and as is always the case, my family would pay for it.

I hated myself at that moment. I hate myself still.