Untethered

40 | Rescue Me

Once Danny was out the door, the two women lay on the bed for several minutes, both lost in their own private misery. After a while, Emma couldn't stand to lay on her arms any longer. Gasping at the jarring pain in her ribs, she carefully wriggled and pushed herself up into a sitting position.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

Julie hadn't moved since Danny had thrown her on the bed, and the only sounds coming from her were tiny, pathetic whimpers.

"Mom?" She nudged Julie's prone body with her foot.

"Em, I'm so sorry."

"You know, I'm getting tired of hearing you say that," she huffed out a breath, blowing the loose strands of hair out of her face.

She shimmied back, against the headboard, using her arms to move one of the pillows to cushion her. Beads of sweat broke out on her forehead, and by the time she found a comfortable position, she was breathing heavily from the effort.

"I know, Emma," Julie acknowledged, "I am, though. I've been a terrible mother."

"No shit," she mumbled.

"You know I wasn't always this horrible person, Em," Julie sighed. She shoved herself up, grimacing and scooting backward, until her position mimicked her daughter's.

Emma rolled her head to the side, facing Julie, her eyes thoughtful, but guarded.

"I don't care," she mumbled, looking away. "I just want to get out of this mess, and forget all about you."

"I don't blame you for hating me, Em... but Danny doesn't know everything. He didn't tell you everything."

"Did you kill dad?" Emma asked bluntly.

"Yes." Julie's voice was small, and heavy with regret. Wide, hazel eyes flew back to her, startled. "You know; I did love him... I wish so badly I could take it all back."

"I'll bet," Emma responded drily, "I'm sure this is not at all how you planned for things to go."

"No, it isn't," Julie agreed. "But that's not what I meant. I wish I could've been the wife he wanted and the mother you deserved. I was messed up, broken... I didn't know how to be those things. I tried... I tried so hard. But I always did the wrong thing, never getting what I really wanted."

"What did you want?"

"A family," she answered, a note of longing in her voice, "to forget..." She sighed. "I just wasn't built for it."

Unwillingly, Emma turned to face her again. The softness and vulnerability in her eyes tugged at her heart.

"What did you want to forget?"

"It doesn't matter," Julie replied, defeated. "You're right, no explanation will make anything I've done better, now."

"Well, it's not like we don't have time," she prodded.

Julie sighed, "I meant it when I said that I loved your father. But I never told him any of this... I don't know, maybe if I had, things would have been different, he might have been able to help me." Avoiding Emma's scrutiny, she began, her voice deadpan, "When I was little, my family was pretty screwed up. I was always a 'daddy's girl,' followed him everywhere, he treated me like his princess.

"My mom, on the other hand," Julie shuddered, "she was angry, really angry, all the time. She drank a lot and she'd beat me when daddy left me alone with her. When I was four, she dragged me out of my bed, stripped me down, beat me with a wooden spoon until my skin split, and then threw me in a scalding hot bath to 'cleanse me of my sins.' The whole time, screaming at me that I was stealing my father's love from her. I ended up with second degree burns, besides all of the welts. Social services were a joke back then, so there wasn't even an investigation. They told the doctors I had an accident." She coughed out a bitter laugh.