Crack Baby

(3): "The House of Herbalism"

Ominous.

Santana grabbed a glass from the cabinet and poured fresh, clean water into it. He was extremely thirsty but all he ended up doing was taking a sip.

He sat at the island and intertwined his fingers, falling into a deep thought.

"This, son, is the anatomy of a woman. This is a woman's body."

An 11 year old Hezekiah stared at the photo of the naked woman, puzzled. He was trying to figure what it was he was looking at and what we're all the names for everything. He tilted his head to the side and studied the image some more.

"What's that?" He asked, pointing to the breasts. "These are breasts. They're used to feed babies but between me and you, you can also suck on em yourself." Hezekiah glared at his father in disgust and parted his lips.

"Why would I wanna do that?"

"You won't understand now but you will when you're older. Now this," Santana pointed the stylus to the vagina.

"This is the Vagina. Can you say Vagina?"

"Vagina." He responded. "Good. This is where all the magic happens. This is where penises go and this is where babies come out. Understood?"

"Understood but one question," Santana made a gun with his hand. "Shoot."

"How does a baby come out of something so small?"

"And that son, is one of the biggest mysteries of the world. I'll never know because I'm a man. I can find out but guess what, I won't. I don't have a strong stomach. I pass out at shit like that. All in all, certain things about women should remain a mystery to men."

"Speaking of women, where's my mother? Does she have a vagina?" Santana tried desperately to stifle his laughter but it came out anyway.

"Of course she does if you're here. That's the only way any man can get to this earth. Through women. Despite its obviousness, it took me a while to notice that. That's why it's important to respect women at all costs. A woman is responsible for your existence. Understand this and know this."

Baby nodded and thought for a moment.

"Can I see what Niles' Vagina looks like? Does it look like the one on the photo."

Santana threw his head back and let hearty laughter come from his throat.

"I can definitely assure you that each one has a unique look. Just remember that. I'm not teaching you this information for you to take it and abuse it. I'm simply equipping you with the necessary tools for survival. Ingest the info, keep it to yourself and then expand on it. Got it?"

Baby nodded.

"Now, I especially want to teach you about STDs, sexually transmitted diseases and how they can be contracted and prevented. But first, we should discuss sex."

Santana's train of thought was abruptly interrupted when Baby came through the front door.

"Sup, pops. What you doing?"

Santana shook his head and shrugged.

"Just reviewing a few bills. Nothing major." Baby nodded and let his bag slide off of his shoulder and hit the couch.

He plopped down and exhaled deeply. "Glad that shit is over." He said more to himself than anyone else.

"Hezekiah," Hezekiahs' ears perked up like a dog. He knew his father was about to say something serious because he rarely used his government name.