Bleed Me Dry

I Am Not

"Am I, am I, am I strong enough? Cause it feels like I'm not anything at all." I Am, Jojo.

Gia

There's a sinking feeling in the bottom of my chest. It's been a month since I saw Tanner and all I can think about is what would have become of us. All I want to do is lay around and I can't even figure out what is upsetting me. I've never been like this after one night with a guy before. I haven't been with anyone since that perfect night together.

I close my eyes and I remember what put me in this situation in the first place. I was quiet in high school never really talking to boys. I read books to escape from the world and spent all my time searching for that perfect best friend but every friend that I ever got close to hurt me more than any boy ever could. After all the drama and lying I became really paranoid about letting people in.

I wanted to go to college so bad but I just wasn't smart enough. I had to settle for the life God dealt me. My parents were so disappointed in me that I was forced to move away from them severing my relationship with them. Just two more people to add to my list of people who abandoned me.

I moved to the Ocean City, New Jersey from Ohio when I was 18. When I was younger we took a vacation there and it was the first place I could think of when I was on my own. It was there I met Jax. I worked at a little pizza place on the boardwalk that Jax ate at with his frat boy friends. I was his waitress and he tipped me quite a large amount. The tip really helped me out considering I was dirt poor living in a tiny piece of shit apartment. He came in again and asked me to go to this party with him. I didn't have many friends so I was more than excited to go. We spent the next two weeks together. It was then I learned to love, I was naive and I fell right into his trap.

Our last night together he took my virginity. He was gentle with his touch and made me feel as if I was worth a million dollars. When we were done I asked if we could be the way we were forever. Then, in one single blow he shattered my heart. He told me that he was only in the city for spring break and that we would never see each other again.

The first boy I'd ever loved I only had for 2 weeks. He was the last person I ever let abandon me. After that I closed off my heart for good. I quit my job and told my landlord I was moving. With one bag of stuff I ran to the bus station and told them to get me a ticket to the tiniest town with the nicest people they knew. One of the workers told me to go to Wall, New Jersey just off the coast. They said the beach wasn't crowded and not far from New York City, it sounded perfect. I hopped on the bus and left without looking back.

I open my eyes realizing how happy I've been since I came to Wall. Living my life on the edge away from all the tourists. I love my job and my simple heartbreak free life. I know what I'm about to see could change all of that for me. I look down at the little white stick I just peed on to see my unchangeable fate.

"Oh shit," I say when I see that little red plus sign.