Bleed Me Dry

Waiting Game

"There's just this waiting game, and I don't know how to play. It's enough of a fight staying alive anyway." Waiting Game, Parson James.

Millie

Today's the day, I'm finally getting out of the hospital. Gia is picking me up to take me home. I'm excited to see my apartment, my bed, all the familiar things that in a few months won't be mine anymore. Nothing will be mine anymore.

"Are you ready to go back to life," Gia asks me.

"I guess if you can call it living. But yeah I'm pretty excited," I tell her.

"Mil, please don't depress me now."

"I'm sorry. Do you think I can come back to work?"

"If that's what you really want."

When we pull up to my building I see balloons. It's nice to know I have friends. Months ago I would have come home to nothing. I look at Gia confused as to what's going on. She has a suspicious grin on her face that tells me the balloons are just the start. I get as excited as a kid on Christmas. No one has thrown me a party since I was like 10. I wonder who they invited, hopefully not my parents.

I open the door and I'm so happy I almost forget I have cancer. All the employees and customers from Wrigley's are here to celebrate my return. I didn't know all these people cared about me. My friend group from high school is even here. It's funny how people want to be there for you when your dying. I haven't spoken to these people in years. I don't care though, I take in everything that's happening, I want to remember all the love I have when I'm dying.

I turn to Gia and ask her, "Did you plan this?"

"Andie and I did," she says proud of herself.

"Impressive for a pregnant woman," I tease her. She playfully shoves me.

"Hey you can't push a sick girl," laughs Andie walking up to us.

"And you can't reprimand a pregnant lady!" Gia jokingly fires back.

"There's no rule about that," Andie says laughing really hard now.

I smile enjoying the little moments like these.

Andie looks over at me and says, "Do like your party, I was afraid it would overwhelm you."

"No, I love it," I tell them from the bottom of my heart.

I hug them both at the same time. This is what I want to remember for the rest of my life. These past few months have been the best part of my life. I don't want to remember those drunken college nights or when my family used to be together. Those may be good parts but along with them brings painful memories. I just want to remember the meaningless conversations with my customer, laughing so hard I cry with my two best friends, and watching everyone I love gather around to welcome me home.

Eventually the party dies down. Everyone tells me goodbye and that they'll visit me soon. I know some of them are lying to me but for the moment I'm believing them. It will make me feel better. I feel a little empty when they're gone, like the joyful part is over a now it's just me to live with the fact that I have cancer and it's not getting better. I didn't realize Andie was still here until she comes out of my bathroom.

"How long were you in there?" I ask her.

"Not long," she says quietly.

I don't push her further, she was probably just stopped up from the party. I hug her goodbye but she says it's not safe for me to be here alone. I take a large breath of relief. Thank God for Andie. I think to myself.

It's late at night and Andie has long since fallen asleep. I don't understand how she goes to sleep that fast. I lay in big bed with tears running down my face. It's only a matter of time before I'm gone. There's no way to describe the feeling of knowing you're going to die, but not knowing when. I'm just waiting here for my body to give out, I'm fighting it not to but it tell me to let go and lose my battle. My eyes get heavier and heavier, my body relaxes, and the room goes dark.