Bleed Me Dry

Set Free

"And I don't care if I sing off key, I find myself in my melodies. I sing for love, I sing for me. I shout it out like a bird set free." Bird Set Free, Sia.

Andie

It's been 4 hours since the funeral and I'm still sitting on Millie's grave. I can't bring myself to walk away. I was supposed to go to the reception after the funeral but after everyone left I felt the need to be alone with her. Millie's presence hasn't left me even though she's been gone for three days. I feel her with me in everything I do which is a blessing and a curse. I know it would be better for me if I distracted myself in work and Gia's new baby but I feel guilty to not be mourning Millie.

I'm hoping that after today I will be able to move on. I brought her letter with me because I know it's time to read it. People don't realize that the reason I cry and the reason this has been so hard on me when I've only known her less than 9 months is that I held Millie's hand through everything. I watched her die slowly while there was nothing I could do about it. Every night I helped her deal with the chemo, I pushed her around in a wheelchair for two months, and I slept at the hospital for a week listening to her heart slowly stop beating. I can't relapse though, that would be the last thing Millie would want. She fought so hard for me to love myself and she never doubted me. Even when she found me bloody in the bathroom she never seemed disappointed in me.

The letter sits in my lap piercing a hole through my broken soul. Hopefully after this I will learn to let go. Let go of everything that's stood in my path and knocked me down. I trust in Millie and I trust in myself. Come on Andie you can do this.

Dear Andie,

Andie. I have written so many letters in the past few days but none of them are as special as the one I'm writing you. I saved yours for last because there are few word to describe the way you have impacted my life. You are the best friend I've ever had. You keep me balanced and raise me up to the best I can be. You don't have to tell me for me to know I do the same for you. All my life I've been waiting for something to love and whether it was the love of a man or a friend, you were the greatest love God has ever given me.

The first time I met you I desperately wanted to reciprocate the friendliness you showed me. I remember it breaking my heart watching you realize I wasn't going to be your friend. But I didn't know you, I didn't know the secrets you were hiding and that they were eating you alive. I don't know what came over me that day at the hospital when everything changed but I have never been more glad that I accepted your friendship. You showed me what it meant to be a true friend, the kind that holds the others hand while they throw up and the kind that hold you when you cry. My favorite parts about our friendship were not the adventures we went on or the times when we needed each other the most, my favorite parts were those nights when we were laying in bed laughing at absolutely nothing, the parts where we dreamed of things we knew would never come true but we still pretended like someday we'll find ourselves living that life.

I don't know what my death will do to you but Andie you are strong. Set yourself free and live your life. When Rusty died I didn't go to work for weeks, don't do that. Tell the ones you love you love them and enjoy every moment of the time you have on this Earth. Be the best aunt to Lil Mil and love her as much as I would have.

It is not too late to start over. Go back to working at the hospital. Find your true passion in life and nurture it. Don't go back to working in the diner and going home to our empty apartment just to be reminded I'm not there. Make new friends and hold onto your old ones. Move out of Wall if you have to just live your life and don't look back. Most importantly though, I want you to fall in love. Meet people and don't be afraid that they will hurt you. I know it will take you a long time to trust again and after what you've been through I don't blame you but there is a man out there who wants to love you and you have to find him. He will love you despite your physical and mental scars. Forgive yourself for Vincent, you never did anything wrong to him, it was NOT your fault.

Andie I know you feel ashamed of what you became in these past few months. But remember that you had the courage to get help and that one day you will be fine. You are not your past Andie, people will not blame you.

Lastly, Andie I want you to know that you were my sunshine. You made me happy in my worst times. You held my hand and helped me fight my battles. In the years before we met I was a lonely, boring girl, and when you showed up was when everything changed. Gia and I barely spoke before you came along. You gave me the life I always wanted and I will never be able to thank you enough. You've brought so much happiness and purpose to this whole town. The day we became friends I felt like I could breathe again. This is goodbye Andie, but one day I will see you again and we will walk together hand in hand remembering who we were and who you became. I'm so proud of you and I love you more than I loved living. You made everything worth it. Shine Andie, set yourself free from your cage and fly away. I love you forever, forever to infinity, infinity and beyond.

Your best friend,

Millie

I don't know what to do next. But I follow my heart and I get up. I get up off the ground I've spent way too much sitting on. I need to fly above and become something so much lighter than what I've become. When I first met Millie I was bright, I turned into someone I didn't recognize, someone who lived in dark place. I won't let myself become that again. I will do this for Millie and for me. I will set free onto a new life, I will mess up and I will fall down again but I will always rise up.