T O X I C | ORIGINAL

31

"I-I'm pregnant," I admitted, keeping my eyes on the floor.

"Holy shit," Claire breathed; I could notice her baby bump that already showing against her t-shirt. "How did he react?" She asked. I just shrugged, didn't really know how Elliot actually felt about this. "What? You haven't told him?"

I shook my head quickly, "No, I-I have, but—"

The night when I told him I was pregnant, he didn't talk much. Probably he was too surprised by this news but until today, and it'd been already three days he hadn't brought this up. He just kept it under the surface; he didn't show how he felt too much.

But that was Elliot, well, being Elliot. I'd known him pretty well and he didn't like to openly show his feeling to anyone. That was just another reason why he chose alcohol as his escape from the reality. He thought the reality was too brutal and overwhelming but he just couldn't do anything about it. Poor him, he had to keep so much.

"Chantel, you need to ask him again," I looked up to meet her face. Claire was absolutely beautiful and it's crazy how my sister could be this beautiful. She had our mother's soft calming light blue eyes while mine were totally dark brown inherited by our dad. Then her heart-shaped lips as if like perfectly sculpted have a typical contagious smile and laugh, forming dimples whenever she laughed or smiled or simply just smirking or grinning.

I scratched the back of my neck, sighing and ran my tongue over my dry lips, "Why?" I asked almost desperately.

"Because you need to know, you need to be, I don't know, more certain," Claire said while rubbing his bump. "Are you planning on keep it or--?"

"Of course I'm going to keep it! Why would I ever want to get rid of it?" I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees, "I'm not going to get rid of my baby,"

Claire just simply smiled, of course showing her hidden dimples on both of her always-flushed cheeks with slight freckles on them, "Good for you, Chanti. You've loved that baby, it makes everything going to be easier,"

"How?" I absentmindedly asked.

"Honey, listen, you love this baby, right? You're going to be strong no matter what to protect your child and if something went downhill, you're not going to give up. You will fight with everything you've got to keep your child safe and loved. You guys have each other's and that's what makes you going to survive,"

"You sound like I'm going to face something bad," I couldn't help a scoff to slip away. "We're going to be fine, Claire,"

"You always say that you're going to be fine, but are you really fine?" She was right. Until this very moment, I didn't feel alright or fine. "Just stop sugarcoating everything, Chanti. It's not good anymore, it isn't sweet anymore. You and him are not sweet anymore,"

"He's trying to stop, Claire. He really is trying. He has stopped his drinking since three months ago. He's changing, I put so much hope on him and I know he's going to changed, I know he can do this," I assured her but instead it sounded more to myself.

"See? You're sugarcoating the fact that your boyfriend is—"

"My fiancé," I corrected plus dropped our engagement news. "He proposed and I said yes,"

Now Claire looked like her breath was taken away. She had both of her eyes widened, jaw almost touched the floor, "Baby, I'm so happy for you," She finally spoke. "When?"

"Three months, four months ago,"

"I really am happy for you, honey but you still have to prepare for the worst, okay? I'm not saying that something is wrong, no, I don't think anything that could go wrong for now. Maybe you're right, he's changing but again, we do have to hope for the best and still be prepared for the worst. I need you to be strong enough to pick up the pieces and mend yourself for that baby if he breaks you apart again. I'm here and I'll be here if you need that reminder on how strong you are and how capable you are. I love you, okay?"

I nodded and felt my stomach twisted from the thought of Elliot breaking me apart again, "But fyi, I wasn't sugarcoating anymore Claire. I'm tired too, I'm exhausted, slamming lies everywhere just for the sake of him. I'm almost done with him but here he or she is," I poked my belly softly. "I can't give up anymore," I chewed on my bottom lip, "And I don't even regret it. This baby is not a mistake that have to be regretted. My baby is a blessing and I'm gonna show everyone including Elliot that there's no way that I'll give up on this baby,"

I stated the truth. Even if Elliot chose to leave me and this baby, I'd thank him for leaving me with the most beautiful angel and I would try my best to be strong enough to hold myself and my baby if something bad happened to be in our way.

***

I turned on the light on our apartment and the tiles were cold from the autumn breeze. I kept my socks on as I walked in, my feet couldn't handle the cold. I turned around to the living room and I saw Elliot's back facing me, his jacket was laying right next to him on the couch.

"Hey," I moved closer to him. "Why did you let the lights off?" Silence. I furrowed my brows and walked even closer. I sighed heavily and cursed under my breath when I found him completely drunk with bottle of liquor sitting on our coffee table. "Elliot, I can't do this anymore,"

"Chanti," His voice was still soft as if like he wasn't drunk, as if like there wasn't any vodka or any other alcohol raging freely within his system. He started to sob, he let out a shaky breath and covered up his face with both of his hands. "I'm sorry,"

"Honey," I crouched over in front of him, rubbing his forearms soothingly trying to stop the miserable messy cries. "What happened?"

"I-I, Chanti," He just kept calling out for my name. "No, please don't leave me," The pain in his voice left me in pain as well, the remorse in his voice made me completely broken and torn.

"I'm here," I held his head close to my chest, letting him pour out all his agony onto my shirt. "I'm here, love,"

He had both his arms wrapped around my waist tightly, then he pulled away so I could see his puffy red face and eyes. "Chantel, I'm sorry,"

"Sssh," I thumbed away his tears and planted soft kiss on his forehead. "I'm here," This was the first time I saw him being a crying mess while drunk instead of being. . . his usual drunken-self. "Would you tell me what's wrong?" I asked him again.

He slumped off the couch and pulled me gently onto his lap so now he was cradling me while burying his face onto my shoulder. "I-I don't think, I c-can be a good f-father, Chanti," He sobbed. My heart instantly dropped from hearing what he said. "God, I don't want to ruin everything! I want to have this baby so much, I want this baby but I'm too fucked up to be a father!"

I ran my hand against his back, shushing him and occasionally whispering 'I'm here', 'It's okay' on his ears. He just kept holding me tight, wouldn't let any space between us and kept crying and sobbing. "I know you're going to be a good father, baby," I convinced him. "I know you can,"

"I'm not a good person, Chanti. This is why I freaked out when I thought you were pregnant," His cries were slowly faded away. "You know it by yourself that I'm such a mess. I'm sorry,"

"You don't have to be sorry," I said. "With you being such a mess won't stop you to love and protect this baby, right?"

"Our baby," He corrected and emphasized the word 'our'. I chuckled softly and nodded.

"Right, our baby,"

"I'm scared. I don't want to hurt this baby or you. I love him already," He said, came out more like a slur probably because he was about to passed out from the alcohol and my soft strokes on his back. "I want to be a good perfect father for this kid. I don't want to be like my dad,"

"You don't have to be afraid, love," I kept stroking his back, "I promise you, you are going to be a good father," I assured him. "But there's no such thing as a perfect father. You're good and that's enough,"

"Nooo, I wanna be a perfect father," Now he began to slur. "And why do you think so?" He asked absentmindedly.

"I just know so,"

note:

finally able to write the longest chapter for this book. well, you're welcome ;)