Himitsu (Book One of the Kakureta Hana series)

V: Go

The message comes two days later. Shigeru and Raiden are officially locked in combat once more. Despite my ally's carefully worded note that I suspect was not written by him, I crumble it after scanning through the contents.

"That's that," I say to my retainers, who are once more gathered. "We've been called to battle by Lord Shigeru. Prepare the men to move out by tomorrow at dawn."

Ryuu studies me long after the others have left for their duties. His expression is somber as he takes a seat next to me. "You don't expect this battle to end well."

At his statement, for it was a statement and not a question, I feel something akin to a stone drop in my stomach. "I do not fear the loss of the battle if that's what you're asking. I worry for those who march alongside me into battle."

"They are as ready as they may ever be," he answers. "Death is no surprise to any samurai; they expect it will happen one day just as they expect the sun to rise in the morning. All they ask of you is that their sacrifice is not in vain."

"Does the same hold true for you, Ryuu? Are you prepare to die within this battle if that was the price asked of you?"

My general studies his hands for a moment, dark lashes lowered to the point where I can hardly see his eyes. "I believe I am." His reply is lighter than the whisper of a leaf grazing the ground. "However, no one truly knows how they will react in that moment until they are faced by it. I can run those men through as many stressful situations as I would like, but until they enter battle and realize exactly what is about to happen, they will never understand what it means. Facing one's death must be the same way."

"Are you certain of what will happen to you after you die?" I press. "Do you truly believe what they say about nirvana?"

I meant to halt my words before the last part slipped out, but there it is out in the open now. Ryuu stares aghast at me as if he could hardly imagine that those words had come from my mouth. I have just insulted many of the samurai without them even knowing.

"Why would you say such a thing?"

Pursing my lips, I bend down and pluck a piece of grass from beneath our feet. "We are taught that the world had no beginning, and it will have no end. We believe that there is no higher deity. However, if such a thing is true, how do you explain the complexity of such a design? This tiny blade of grass is able to be sustained merely on rainwater and the nutrients within the soil. In the winter, it dies, but when spring returns, it flourishes once more."

"That doesn't explain why you don't believe in nirvana. Sure, you're giving evidence as to why you believe that there is a higher deity, but that does not prove that nirvana does not exist," Ryuu says, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.

"A higher deity means that there has to be more than our bodies disappearing. There has to be something within us that will live on even after we pass from this life. Otherwise, I have to accept that my mother died and disappeared like a vapor. I have to believe that I will never see her again," I whisper. "I refuse to think that is possible, so I will believe that there is something more beyond this life. I will believe that there is a deity that created the ground we walk upon, the sky we see arched above us, and the stars that gleam at night to light our way."

He sighs, rubbing a hand across his forehead. "I do not want to discuss theology with you at this moment, Jun. I, too, have men to prepare for the coming battle. The wise thing for you to do right now is to put all thoughts of death and what you do or don't believe from your mind."

I watch him walk away, but I can't put from my mind the words that I had just spoken to my general. Did I really believe all of what I had just said? Had I just forsaken everything that my parents had taught me as a child?