Infinity .:Joshler:.

10

"what's going on?" Josh asked when he opened the door to where i was standing on his front porch.

"i just wanted to come over for the night," i stated flatly. he reached out to poke my chin where a bruise was staring to form, but i swatted his hand away and pushed past him instead. i've never been to his house before so this place was all new to me. of course he was popular for a reason: his face and his money. his parents both own their own businesses and do very well so they of course live in a nice house. their furniture is perfect, hardwood floors look new, walls are painted fully with no mess-ups or smudges and one big fireplace in the living room. and don't even get me started on the dining room or the kitchen. this may sound like a normal house, but from where i grew up, this is a mansion that i shouldn't even step foot in.

i turned back around to Josh who watched me very carefully.

"i'm fine, okay? don't worry about me-" i started but Josh interrupted me, "Joseph, i know something's wrong. you wouldn't call me on a normal basis with tears in your eyes,"

i scoffed, "look, i just want to be alone for right now. i don't want to sound rude, but can i use your shower?"

"if you wanted to be alone, why did you come here?"

"can i use your shower?" i asked again flatly as i crossed my arms over my chest.

"i don't know, can you?" he mimicked by crossing his arms as well.

i wasn't in the mood for games, especially since i could feel the blood getting sticky against my skin and crusty on my shirt.

"may i use your shower?" i asked tightening my jacket more so he couldn't see any blood on my shirt. he nodded and i followed him upstairs. he lead me into his room and over to a door that had a bathroom. i nodded before walking in and closing it behind me.

i quickly took my shirt off and forgot about the cuts in my shoulder that also left blood. but my biggest worry was my stomach. blood completely soaked through my shirt and onto my jacket. my side was red with a big purple/blue mark forming from my dad kicking me with the same thing on my jaw.

i had my shirt off and my pants were still on when Josh bursted through the door. my eyes were wide as i hid my stomach before he could see, but he still saw my shoulder.

"what are you doing?" i asked, scared obviously, but more nervous that he would know now. my answer came sooner than i thought when he held out a piece of broken beer bottle glass. the piece that i picked up before i got kicked. the piece that i kept in my jacket pocket.

the piece i used to cut myself across my stomach that was now full of blood.

"this," he said as he aggressively placed it on the counter, "fell out of your pocket on the stairs."

i gulped as he examined my shoulder and cleaned up the dried blood with soap and water. i didn't mind the pain until he used hydrogen peroxide on it with a cotton ball. i hissed but he kept going.

"thanks mom," i said sarcastically when he was done.

"hey, be happy it isn't infected and won't leave a scar,"

i didn't say anything. i've left my cuts to become infected to leave scars. i'm not proud of what i've done, but i have to learn to love my scars. it's a part of me forever.

"anything else or can i take a shower?" i asked as i tapped my finger. he looked at the bruise on my jaw, the whole time i was covering my cuts and not daring to move a muscle. he eventually noticed the giant bruise on my side.

"okay Joseph," he said seriously as he eyed the bruise, "what happened? who did this?"

"nothing happened!" i shouted.

"you can't just do this to yourself, i'm not stupid. who did this and why? what did you do?"

"i didn't do anything! it just happened,"

"was it your parents?"

"no,"

"Joseph-"

"leave me alone Josh! i'm tried of everyone being mean to me!"

"i'm trying to help you,"

"well maybe i don't want your help,"

he clenched his jaw and crossed his arms like i did, "move your arms."

my heart dropped to my stomach, "huh?"

"move. your. arms."

i didn't move and i was now frozen in my place like a deer in the headlights. he moved closer and tried to move my arms himself but i didn't dare give in. he pushed me and i went to push him back, but when my arms reached out to shove him, he grabbed them and held them. he looked down at my stomach and he sunk in his spot. his grip loosened on my wrist and i pulled them free.

"Josh, i-"

"what did you do? why did you do it? did someone do it to you?"

"Josh."

"who did this to you! who hurt you?"

"Josh! calm the fuck down okay?"

he sighed and took in a deep breath, "please tell me what happened," he asked calmly. i sighed as i pushed myself up onto the countertop and watched as Josh stared at my cuts. he stood across from me with his back against the wall and his arms still crossed as he waited for me to start.

i didn't dare look him in the eyes, "you didn't know this, but for my whole life my parents have been abusive alcoholics. they've been abusive to my siblings but mainly me since i'm the oldest and more responsible. my parents have told me that they've never loved me and that they wish i wasn't born because, as my dad said to me today, 'i never thought you were gay, i guess that makes you a fag'."

i glanced up at Josh, who now had has hands clasped together and draped in front of him with an emotionless face, "my own father told me that i belong in hell and that i don't deserve to live,"

"don't listen to him, you know he's wrong-"

"but he isn't, i've tried to commit suicide many times in my life, Josh. no one knows and no one was ever going to know. but now you do,"

he stood there quietly as i continued, "my mom glared at me as we left for school this morning because she saw me with you, which she then told my dad, whom is the one who beat me. i'm just so afraid that they'll kick me out if i get an 'F' on a test, or even worse, find out what's been going on between us. i'll just be an even more disappointment to them than i already am."

Josh opened his mouth but no sound came out, "i can't run anywhere, Josh, they'll find me."

"i know," he answered with a sigh, "but don't think about it, okay? you're safe here with me and i'm not going to let anyone hurt you, ever again," he walked closer to me and placed his hands on my knees as he leaned in close to my face, "don't doubt me. i'm here for you."

i smiled nervously but i knew he wasn't lying, "do you trust me?" he asked quietly as he looked from my right eye to my left and repeat. i nodded as i placed my hands on the edge of the countertop. he grabbed them with his own and intertwined them with his before leaning in slowly and connecting our lips. we pulled away and rested our foreheads together as i spoke quietly,

"i trust you."