Infinity .:Joshler:.

26

my heart stopped, "i..what?"

i heard Josh sniff from beside me and i saw he was wiping his eyes. i glanced back at the doctor who said he would leave us to talk before he walked out. i sat there shocked as Josh started to sob.

i have cancer? how?

"but..." i said quietly as i was thinking. all the signs. coughing up blood, chest pain, shortness of breath, always tired, weak, weight loss? all the signs point to yes. i have cancer, lung cancer.

but how? i mean, my grandmother did pass away from this kind of cancer. did it skip a generation and lead right to me? what about my siblings? do they have it?

the doctor walked back in, "i'm sorry about that, another patient needed my help. but back to what i was going to ask before, have you been around smoke a lot?"

"both my parents smoke in the house,"

"how much?"

"a lot. but i moved out because they were alcoholics,"

"have you smoked lately? either cigarettes or marijuana?"

"not recently. maybe almost 2 weeks ago,"

"it takes a long time to get marijuana out of your system, and you can relapse at any time, like you have now. but the side effects are worse. i was very surprised when we got the results back because this kind of cancer is very rare for your age group. so we tried it again and the results were the same."

i was taken aback, "now what?"

"now we see what happens. you will get a different treatment from chemo to try and kill or slow down the cancer cells. we decided this because chemo would be too harsh on your body since you lost so much weight and your body was shutting down. all i need is your approval."

i glanced at Josh who had his head in his hands again, "um..can we maybe talk it over?"

"of course, press the call button when you're ready for me to come back in."

"thank you."

he smiled sadly before walking out and closing the curtain. i turned to Josh who quickly stood up and crouched down next to my bedside.

"Josh?"

"yeah?"

"i'm scared."

"it's okay, this isn't real,"

"Josh, look at the symptoms, i have all of them!"

"but you can't.."

he scowled as he knew i was right. he put his head down on the blanket as i ran my fingers through his hair.

"i don't know what to do,"

"it's okay, i'll be right here next to you."

"are you going to leave me tonight?"

"hell no, i'm staying right here with you."

i smiled at his response.

that night, we told the doctor we were going to go through with the treatment if i don't get better without it. and after hearing more about what was going on, it was past dinner and time for bed. Josh curled up in the chair next to my bed as i tried to sleep. but i couldn't, my heart was racing and it felt like i couldn't breathe. i was too scared to relax.

"Josh?" i whispered with my hoarse voice. he stirred a little and looked at me in the dark, "yeah Tyler?"

"can you lay with me?"

he nodded and got up quietly. i moved slightly and i felt pain shoot through my legs and up to my back. i scrunched up my face in pain as i groaned, "are you okay?"

i sighed once i was in my new spot, "yeah."

Josh crawled into the hospital bed with me and i slowly moved to huddle close to him. i rested my head on his chest and he put his arm around my shoulder. he rubbed my arm as he started to sing quietly.

"i love it when you sing," i spoke up after a few seconds. he chuckled quietly, "you have a better voice though,"

"don't say that, you have a better voice"

"please, we both know that you have the best singing voice."

i smiled, "yeah i know."

he chuckled and kissed me softly on my head, "try and get some sleep. i'll see you in the morning."

i don't have to worry about those dreams anymore. they're gone. but now i have cancer and i have to worry about passing in my sleep instead. i closed my eyes again as he continued to sing then started to hum. i smiled against his shirt, smelling his cologne and remembering it. i might never smell it again.