Incorrect Hogwarts quotes

Sirius

okay but just imagine sirius being quidditch commentator/gossip queen

'•just letting everyone know that gryffindor captain james is very single and very ready to mingle if your name is lily evans'

'•jones is no doubt slightly distracted by the fact his girlfriend cheated on him, sorry 'bout that mate'

•'no eliza i will not ask remus out for you'
'if flemming was as good at flirting as he is at blocking goals then maybe he wouldn't have been rejected by dorcas meadowes last week'

•'benjy stop laughing and start playing you're not as funny as you think you are'

•'to the person who asked if emmeline vance had a boyfriend i'm just gonna tell you now you're not good enough for her'

•'excellent beating from lockley there, managing to nearly knock out turner whilst maintaining that perfect hair, how does he do it?'

•'yes professor this is all highly important informatio... no it's not nonsense.... look now you've made me miss a goal'

•'lily evans says she'll go on a date with james potter if he scores thirteen times - don't smirk you bastard you'll never do it'

•'gryffindor's daley has seen the snitch! oh wait he's lost it. now daley was it you i saw trip down the stairs yesterday?'

•'and turner passes to west who passes to samson who - drops it. its important to note none of the ravenclaw chasers are speaking to each other, i don't know why, only that it involves a bottle of firewhiskey, a game of truth or dare, and west's pet cat'

•'dorcas meadowes would like it to be known she rejected flemming because she has no obligation to date someone just because they think she's hot'

•'update on the james and lily situation; james has scored eight goals and lily has now got JP painted on her cheek'

•'if tom denvers can afford the new nimbus then he can bloody afford to pay me the four galleons he owes me'

•'gryffindor now lead 140 - 70, peter pettigrew really needs gryffindor to win or he has to pay lois knight ten sickles and then he won't be able to buy me a birthday present'

•'if ravenclaw would hurry up and lose so we can start the party that would be great'

•'party? i don't know who gave you the impression there would a party tonight professor'

•'of course i'm sure, professor, i would know if there was a party happening tonight. i can assure you there isn't a party in the gryffindor common room at seven-thirty pm. if there was though i would tell gideon prewett to bring his own bloody firewhiskey this time because i'm not paying for his ridiculous drinking habits'

•'oh james scored again, him and evans are both smiling far too much if you ask me'

•'yes marlene i did say seven-thirty pm. what do you mean you're busy?'