Random Spam// Ella

monophobia

so... since im bored and its midnight and i have nothing better to do I thought it would be "fun" to explain an actual legitimate psychological disorder that I have (although i have multiple lmao)

uh you mofos are lucky i havent even told some of my best friends about this.

I have something called monophobia.

monophobia
[mon-uh-foh-bee-uh]
noun
1.
an abnormal fear of being alone.

Idk when i knew that i had monophoba but i always knew i had this weird fear in the back my head.

idk when it started.

idk why it started.

idek if it even is monophobia or just a part of my bipolarness.

idk

but....
basically.

i first started to show symptoms when i was about 5 years old.

a panic attack is actually one of my first memories. xD

My mom and my then step-dad had gone out at night for reasons that are not important to this story.

but anyway I was left home alone.

And i did not  move from the space which they had left me on the couch, wrapped in a blanket.

i literally didnt move at all for almost 15 hours of my life.

I sat there looking at the wall, crying my eyeballs out for about 2 hours, staying in the exact same place.

Eventually, when I was hiccuping from tears, I started staring at the patio door, waiting for them to come home.

That's when i noticed; the door was unlocked.

But i did not move.

I literally just stared at the door for another hour.

and then came the panic attack

because being alone and the door being unlocked and for some reason not being able to move completely overwhelmed me.

i couldnt breathe.

i started hyperventilating.

staring.

not moving.

sobbing.
and i did this until my parents were home the next morning.

and i swear the second they stepped back into the house, it felt like my muscles were suddenly turned on again and i started moving;started breathing.

it didnt stop there, though.

literally anytime my parents left me home alone I could not function.

anytime i was alone in the bathroom at school, i felt empty. i felt scared because it was just me. if i collapsed on the floor nobody would see me. if i stopped breathing nobody would hear me. if i died nobody would do anything. i was alone.

of course, as i grew older, it got better.

i can stay home alone now without not being able to move.

i can go to the bathroom alone in school without crying.

i can walk alone in the school hallways without hyperventilating.

but, that doesnt mean the fear is completely gone.

if im left home alone for too long, i feel like ive been abandoned. like now nobody loves me.

and thinking about that now is so stupid but while im in that moment when im alone i dont know...

im just scared. im sad.

i can move.

i can function.

i can breathe.

but i just feel...

empty.

and the fact that being home alone for 24 hours makes me feel empty..... how am i going to survive on my own???

im just going to admit it;
I hate my current step father.
I hate my mother.

as soon as 18, im leaving the house because i just cant live here anymore.

but how am i going to do without passing out because im alone.

ughhh and dont even get me started on how much it makes me sob when i realize im probably going to die alone.

okay.

i think  thats all i want to share.

anyway, only about 5 people will read this but whatever.

it felt nice to write it all down.

bye.