inside my mind • lucaya

Chapter Twelve

He doesn't love Riley? Wow. They have been together for three months. Don't you have to love someone to stay with them that long? I have so many questions I would like to ask him.

You know what, screw it.

"Then why are you still with her?" I ask.

"Because I like her I really do."

"Are you unhappy with it?"

"No, I wish I could love her but I can't."

"Why?" I ask slightly squinting my eyes and crinkling my nose.

"Because I just can't."

"But why?"

"I just can't fall in love with her. I don't know why."

That is really confusing.

"But you like her?"

"Maybe I just want her and I to be friends."

"Why?" I ask.

"I think that is all we are. That's all we act like anyways besides the added hand holding and the occasional kiss."

"And when she kisses me, I feel nothing but awkward," he says.

So he might break up with Riley? I would like to be selfish right now, but I also don't want him to hurt her. What is she thinks he is breaking up with her because of me?

"Well what are you going to do?" I ask.

"I am going to ask her to just be friends," he says pulling his phone from his pocket.

"No not right now," I say grabbing his phone.

"Why not?" he asks grabbing it back.

"Riley thinks you like me," I say bluntly.

Please tell me she is right.

"Well why can't I tell her now though?" he asks.

"She will think you are doing it because of me," I say.

"Oh," he says looking down.

"I feel like anytime you do it now she will think it is because of me," I say.

"Because we have been hanging out a lot?" he asks.

"Yeah. A football game and a movie. She might think that we want to..." I say before he cuts me off.

"Date each other. Yeah she will," he says .

"So I guess I'm stuck aren't I?" he asks and sits down in the rim of the fountain. I sit down with him.

"It appears so," I say and put my arm around him to give him a hug.

I wasn't expecting this, but he turns and hugs me back.

"Thanks Maya," he says pulling back.

"Your welcome Lucas," I say smiling.

He smiles back and then looks back down.

The sun is set, and all the streetlights are shining over us. The fountain radiates in shades of blue, for the Giants I assume, and everything feels amazing.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" I ask.

"It depends on what you consider beauty to be," he says.

I wasn't expecting him to get deep, but he is right. Beauty really is a personal thing. Something beautiful to you may be appalling to someone else.

"Well do you think it is?" I ask.

"Yeah. A lot of things are beautiful, and this is definitely on the list," he says smiling.

If I was doubtful before, right now I can officially confirm it. I love this boy. I finally understand what they meant when they said they had butterflies in their stomach. Except instead of butterflies, it feels more like a mini hurricane tearing me apart, and making me want more.

I see all the couples walking under the dim glow of the streetlights and the moon and I envy them. They don't have anything stopping them. They can hold hands, hug, kiss, whatever they want without having to internally stop themselves. They don't have to feel bad about how they feel.

Sitting here silently in the dark is so magical. Without saying anything, or even looking at him, just having him with me makes all the difference. I can feel his pain, I can hear his breathing, I can connect with him deeper than talking would ever allow me to.

I wonder how it would feel if we were actually on a date. Would we be holding hands? Would I have my head resting on his shoulder while he has his arm around me pulling me tightly against him? Would it be better?

If only there was a campfire around.

His phone rings, ending the moment.

"Hello," he says answering his phone.

"Oh you are? That's great."

"Yep, see you soon."

I guess this moment may have to end entirely.

He looks over at me and stares right into my eyes. He tries to talk, but stutters and can't get anything out.

"Sorry, um," he says closing his eyes and putting his hand on his forehead.

"Are they on their way?" I ask, deciding it would be best to pretend I didn't notice I just rendered him speechless.

"Yeah, sorry," he says.

"What are you sorry about?" I ask.

Everything in me wants him to tell the truth, but I know he won't.

"I can't talk," he says.

"Why though?" I ask.

"I forgot what I was saying," he says laughing quietly.

"When are they going to get here?" I ask.

"Oh yeah, they want us to meet them at the car. They said they would be here in about five minutes so we need to get there as soon as possible."

"Ok let's go," I say.

He gestures out his hand like he did earlier today, but this time I grab it. He pulls me up, but then he lets go. Why did I think he would keep holding it?

I decide to walk closer to him than I have been the rest of the day. Not too close, but close enough to feel safe. I think he senses this, because he begins to inch closer. I look over at him then do the same thing. Our shoulders touch for just a brief moment, and then he bumps me over jokingly. I give him a fake angry look, then get closer to him again.

======

I hope you liked this it's almost 1000 words long okay.

This is a present from me on the day of the last GMW on Disney. I still have hope that another network will pick it up.

Hope isn't for for suckers after all.

So, here I am 10 minutes before GM Goodbye. I am going to watch this episode like there will be future episodes to come. I will probably cry, but don't lose hope and don't stop fighting.

(also the book isn't over just because the show is. I know I mentioned it was pointless to do this at the end of chapter one, but I'm not. I have to finish my story.)