Violation and Trust

Something to Come

About ten months into our relationship, Easton called me and said he wanted to ask me something. I got a little worried and asked if it was serious. It was serious, but not bad. He did ask me to come over right away.

I went to Easton's house. He greeted me at the door with a quick kiss and let me in. I'd seen his place before. It was really his older brother's, but his stay there was only supposed to be temporary. He planned to move out eventually. His brother was a nice guy, by the way. He didn't mind us having some alone time in his apartment. The only rule was stay out of his bedroom.

Easton and I sat on the couch to talk. I asked him what was so important. He didn't pull me away from anything, but I couldn't think of something that could be serious.

"Listen, Musa," he said slowly. "We've been dating for ten months. I like you very much."

After ten months, my cheeks should not have been blushing, but they were. "Thank you," I told him. "I like you a lot too. I'm glad we're together."

"And I've been thinking about something for a long time," he said. "I finally made up my mind about it."

"What?" I asked. "Are you going away? Moving out of town? Getting a sex change?" That last one was mumbled under my breath as a joke.

Easton laughed at that. "No, no and don't give me nightmares," he said. "But you did get close."

"Sex change?" I asked him. "Are you getting surgery? What for?"

"No," he answered. "Take out the word 'change' and that's it."

"Sex? I get it. You want to talk about making our relationship sexual."

"Yes."

I was a bit speechless then. This wasn't new to me. My relationship with Riven had been sexual. As much as we fought with each other, that was one topic we agreed on. But it didn't come up until eighteen months into our relationship. Looking back, we probably shouldn't have done that since our relatonship was so rough, but what's done is done.

"Can you imagine us taking that step?" Easton asked me.

I could, but I wasn't sure I wanted to yet. Obviously, my relationship with Easton was different than my relationship with Riven. We hadn't had even one argument, though I was thinking this may be our first.

I finally answered his question. "I can, Easton. I really can, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said. "I just don't feel ready for that yet. It's not about you. It's just me. What made you consider it?"

"I just thought we'd been dating long enough for it to be considered," he answered. "I didn't think you'd still be uncomfortable. But why are you?"

"Why am I what?"

"How come you don't feel ready?"

"I can't really explain it," I told him. "I just don't. I'd rather wait a little longer."

"Alright. No problem," he said, but he didn't sound content. "Thanks for letting me discuss it, at least."

"Are you disappointed?" I asked him as I got up and head for the door.

He held it open for me. "No, I'm not disappointed. I'm just glad we could at least talk."

We kissed each other goodbye and I left. I was glad it was a short discussion because I hated having to explain things I couldn't. But I couldn't shake the feeling that Easton wasn't really happy I disagreed. I didn't lie to him. He was a very nice guy and I did want to take "the next step" with him eventually. Just not now.

I decided to talk to Stella about it. She was the self-proclaimed boy expert. Maybe she could help me.

"So what do you think?" I asked Stella after I got home and repeated everything to her.

"I think you did the right thing, Musa," she told me. "You said how you felt. You weren't ready and wanted to wait longer. You gave him an answer."

"But I think he's disappointed I said no," I explained. "I told him I could imagine it, so I don't think I left him hanging."

"Of course, he's disappointed," Stella said. "But if he cares about you, he should be willing to wait. That should be something you both agree on and are ready for. No one should feel conflicted."

I had to admit to myself that Stella had some pretty good advice, although any of my friends would've told me the same.

"What if he asks me again and suggests a compromise, Stella?" I asked.

Stella's tone suddenly got serious. "Musa, you can't compromise on some things. If you say you're not ready, but then say you'll have sex just this once to please him, that won't work. He'll bring it up again and you'll say no and he'll offer to compromise again and you'll accept and it'll just repeat itself. He'll also think you weren't serious."

Flora came in after she said that. "Hi, girls. Everything okay in here?"

"Yes. Musa is just asking the love doctor for advice." I rolled my eyes with a smile at Stella. Now, she was a self-proclaimed love doctor instead of a boy expert.

"Lovely," Flora said. "Actually, I couldn't help overhearing. I just wanted to say Stella's right, Musa. You're happy with Easton, but you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no to something you know you're not ready for. If your relationship is close, there shouldn't be an issue."

I felt so much better. Stella and Flora had great relationships with their guys, so I knew it was a good idea to listen to them. And really, why should I feel guilty for just saying how I feel?

"Just keep one thing in mind," Flora warned me. "Be careful."

"Be careful? Why?" I asked.

"Well, if he respects you, you shouldn't need to worry," Stella said. "But some guys don't take no for an answer and you don't see it until you're trapped."

I took their words to heart, but didn't exactly understand...yet.