Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Fan Fic - The Constant

Chapter Fifteen: The Nurse & James Barnes - Learning Memories

The Nurse & James Barnes - Learning Memories

James is sleeping but you can see it is giving him no rest as nightmares chase him around and around. He wakes up tired and agitated, and you know it is the sedative that Lehmann is using. It is breaking him down, disrupting his mind. He refuses lunch and you don't push him. You can't. His face is grey, stubbled, his eyes red rimmed with black bags under them. You can see from the way he twists and turns in bed that he can't get comfortable and you suggest maybe a walk down the corridor or a shower.

He turns away from you. "I need to sleep," he says, but you know he is lying. He has been more than uptight over the last few days. Although they are satisfied with the serum they have given him they are still trying to do something with his left arm but no one will tell you why, not even Doctor Jakobs. They are always prodding and poking, never letting him have any peace.

James' nerves are frayed to the point of making his head want to explode as it aches so much, he feels he is continually on the edge of an electrical shock, he cannot relax, his body so taut, getting cramps. He won't allow the nurse to help him, to touch him. He can't.

Stefan has been watching the two of them and he thinks he knows what the problem is. Freya has helped James out a few times in the shower now, but he knows deep down that a hand isn't always enough. He sees the way James looks at her when she is unaware. Watched James eye's roam over her face - over her body. She is totally innocent, totally oblivious to the effect she is having on him.

James is not getting enough sleep yet his body is getting stronger. He is having electricity shot through his stub and it sets his whole nervous system on edge. Instead of numbing him, Zola's serum leaves the nerves open and so by the end of the sessions James is so on edge and so wound up that Stefan wonders sometimes how he doesn't explode.

That will be the sedative at work. Lehmann making it a little stronger everyday. He calls it a sedative, but it doesn't work on subduing just the body, it works on the patients mind, never allowing it to switch off entirely, breaking it down bit by bit, until it becomes raw.

James Barnes is still James Barnes. He is a decent man, he would never force anyone to do something they didn't want to. Stefan can see this, he can see how their patient turns away from Freya, how he tries to keep his distance. He can see how much it hurts her.

Even now, James pretends to sleep when she is in the room so he doesn't have to look at her, look at her mouth and think of the things he would like her to do with it. Think of the things Steve used to do.

James has no outlet and he needs one. He needs her and she does not know it. James cannot ask her, not for something like that.

At those thoughts, guilt spreads throughout him. He had promised Steve that he would always be his and he will - but this woman, this woman makes him hot inside, he has no other outlet, she makes him want to ...

*

"No!"

The utter desperation in his voice has you up out of your chair, running to his bedside. He is trying to sit up, trying to pull his hair out as he cries, and you don't know what is wrong, he is almost hysterical.

"No, no, no..." His voice is full of panic, full of fear.

"James, James what is it? What's wrong?"

You don't want the guards to hear because if they see him in this state they will call Lehmann. All he would do is give him a stronger dose of sedative which will send him down into his nightmares again.