Amisi: The Emancipation of a Wall Flower

Ode to My Heart

Dear Somebody,

Imagine being me.

A seedling always prepared to dwindle and die as soon as I sprout.

You expect me to be happy?

Smile more, you say?

How can I heal after this?

An elixir as good as your love couldn't mend my broken heart

My roots are unknown and broken down.

There is no medium between the way I interpret hatred and love because you are so cold.

You give Corella DeVil a good name.

Always the bud of the joke.

Fat, because my muffin top showed and my pudge showed sometimes.

Unattractive, because of my wild hair, big nose, and excessive freckles.

Dyke, because I've only had one boyfriend in my eighteen years and the way my baggy clothes engulfed my five foot five body.

Too smart for a black girl because my melanin automatically labeled me a dumb ass I assume...

They never laugh with you but at you.

And you go along with it because you strive to be loved.

I've never been beautiful in the eyes of man.

When I sprouted, I was dying already.

Dying to be beautiful.

Whatever that is.

My body, yes.

My enormous breast and my thick thighs are idolized but can anyone look me in my eyes and realize that I'm still human.

Can you tell me my name, my sign, or my political views without stuttering or guessing?

Can you tell me my dreams and aspirations without trying to see what's under my clothes?

I fear being naked. Stripped down. Bare. Desolate.

I've been called disgusting because of what's under these clothes.

Thick roots adorned my sides, I figured they would go away with certain creams and kinds of butter but I came up short.

Do you think I want that embarrassment again?

Can a man look me in my eyes and tell me he loves me...without him taking it back or wanting one thing?

See me for once--not only my beautiful stem but the petals that surround me.

I covered all my petals; my qualities, mind, soul and body for you.

Like my love for the mind and music.

Why must I wait for you to fall through?

--

To My Heart,

I love you.

But where has love gotten me?

I'm so afraid of everything, life has to offer.

But what has life offered to me?

A bag of fuckin' bricks.

They weigh me down.

With Anger.

Unadulterated passion.

Guilt.

I've tried to build a fortress around you but it keeps falling down.

Constant heartbreak, change, and no freedom to be me.

Freedom.

My middle name.

Such a paradox because I don't know what it is.

Because I'm so afraid.

I stay in these four walls 24/7 and I wouldn't let anyone in...until he showed up.

Why did you have to open up?

He held onto you tenderly,at first, and the he dropped you.

Stomped you.

Crushed you.

And threw you in my face, only to laugh.

Heart?

What heart?

He took you with him.

Too bad I didn't see his evil until it was too late and I continued to stay.

The heartbreak emancipated me of my fears and you.

My heart.

It emancipated this wallflower.

Amisi Freedom Ali, xoxo.